Well, if my - admittedly unscientific - observation of Tory election spending is anything to go by, they regard the New Labour-held constituency of Hove as very much Game On.

There are four Tory campaign posters within five minutes walk of my house in the slightly shabby ‘burb of Portslade. Two of them are those inflammatory “handwritten” jobs.

The first is the one that runs “Is is racist to…” - I can’t remember the rest of it, something about “rivers of blood” and “nig-nogs”, I think. Definitely a pitch to fans of 1970’s sitcoms.

The second is one that runs “How would you feel if a bloke on early release attacked your daughter?” The Tories, you see, want to remove any incentive prisoners have for good behaviour by ending the early release scheme. An better poster would be: “How would you feel if, under a Tory administration, a bloke attacked your daughter because of the emphasis on punishment not rehabilitation in our prisons and the bloke received no treatment for his violent tendencies?” A bit wordy but nearer the truth I think.

The Tory 1989 criminal justice white paper said that prison was “an expensive way of making bad people worse”. But since the rise of Blair, the debate on crime as taken an outward shift to the right, to the point where Howard has to announce ludicrous measures like plans to abolish the early release scheme to avoid being outflanked on the right.

Anyway, I digress. The remaining two posters are friendly photographs of Conservative candidate, Nicholas Boles. The posters don’t give much away about Nicholas but his website gives a few more clues.

He does seem something of an arriviste as far as I’m concerned. As an Oxford and Harvard graduate, director of a centre-right think tank and former member of Westminster City Council he seems very much like one of the pod people rising through the ranks of New Labour. We’ll see how all that endears him to some of the rougher parts of the area. He neglects to mention where he was born or where he’s from - if he had local roots you’d imagine he’d play them up.

A generic cookie-cutter pol, then. He certainly seems to be going out of his way not to offend. Or recommend himself.

Hove are going to have a new MP after the election anyway as the current New Labour incumbent, Ivor Caplin junior minister for civilian deaths or somesuch, is stepping down. The NL election candidate is Celia Barlow. She has rather more of a hinterland than Boles but nevertheless - as a Cambridge graduate and former news editor at the BBC - is another establishment figure from outside the area.

Like Boles, she too is gung-ho that Brighton & Hove Albion football club be allowed to build a stadium at Falmer. Trashing an area of oustanding natural beauty to provide bread and circuses is a vote winner on both sides it seems. Who knew votes could be bought that cheaply? Well I did actually, but it makes me no less diappointed.

Seeing both these candidates with no connection to the area wearing their Seagulls scarves and extolling the cause of the common man is hilarious. I’m reminded of Jack Straw, who a few years ago, described himself as a “football enthusiast”, as if any true fan of the game would decribe themselves in such a ridiculous way.

Celia entertained Tony Blair in Portslade last week, so he must be still seen as a vote-winner with somebody. I’m not sure if the visit was widely trailed or not - it certainly passed me by, denying me a role in Operation Henman. He also didn’t have a look around my daughter’s primary school which is a shame - she’s under instructions that, should she ever come across him, she’s to boo him.

New Labour must be sweating on the seat for Blair to come - Peter Hain was here the other week as well.

Celia’s election spending is somewhat less than Boles so far, at least in deepest Portslade. I’ve seen no posters but received a leaflet through the door which I initially took to be a take-way menu and almost binned.

It’s also interesting to note that neither candidate mention the Iraq war on their websites. Hove has an active peace movement - an opportunity for votes missed I would say.

In Summary: Bore Draw

UPDATE: A bit slow on the uptake but I made the connection: one day a few weeks ago there was a massive police presence in Portslade. So much so, my initial thought was that it was some kind of siege. In fact, as it turns out, it was Tony paying his visit. Five minutes from my house and everything and I didn’t get the chnace to shout anything rude. I wonder who footed the bill for the security?