Peter Hain is bleating again about how, because the forthcoming election boils down to a scrap over marginal constiuencies, those of us who don’t want to vote for a mass murderer will be guilty of letting the Tories in via the backdoor. A situation for which, because of New Labour’s craven retreat on electoral reform, they only have themselves to blame.

He’s like a stuck record – every time he pops up in the press or on TV he’s banging on about this. I know this is pure conspiracy theory but it’s as if he’s viewed by the high command as the cabinet’s nearest thing to a liberal. So he’s wheeled out time after time to squawk his argument like a parrot to win back the sandal-wearers and the muesli-munchers, and then they throw a cover over his cage to make him go quiet until the next time he’s needed to show what a clever boy he is. You suspect though, like a parrot, that Hain’s making the noises but is unwitting of any meaning of what he’s saying.

After all, do parrots really think they are pretty boys? Likewise, does Hain really think those of us who have had the guts to look at the photographs of the blasted bodies in Iraq, or read the reports about how the country’s resources are now a free buffet for foreign interests, will vote New Labour this year?

We could spend all day eviscerating Hain’s lachrymose twaddle but it’s a lovely sunny bank holiday, we’ve heard it all before, and I don’t want to add to the already unedifying spectacle of him down on his knees begging Guardian readers – a maligned section of society that New Labour seem to enjoy spitting on during the good times – to come back. It’s also pretty sickening to see a former spitfire anti-Apartheid activist defend the political assaults on our liberties and the military assaults on women and children. No doubt he’d say he’s been on a “political journey” – see also Alan Milburn – a euphemism, like “collateral damage” to make the gorge rise.

But if it rains later here’s a parlour game: read Hain’s “Baby, come back” letter, make a count of all the liberal-left erogenous zones he twiddles in an attempt to get us bleeding hearts moist and then list them in the comments here. There’ll be a big fat link to the website of the winner which should boost your visitor count by two – me and my mum.

PS: Hove Labour – in my own constituency – reckon their majority at the election might be as little as 739 votes. Make that 738.