Love letters straight from Charles Clarke
My partner got a letter in the post from Charles Clarke yesterday. I felt a bit left out. Do you think he might be making a play for her?
Personally? The bastard. Charlie, please don’t take her just because you can. With the silver-tongued stuff dispensed with he puts on the frighteners:
Does he thinks she’ll leap into his manly arms so he can protect her? But wait, it gets worse, Charles and my other half clearly have a history. In the next two paragraphs, he’s begging her to come back to him:
The romance isn’t dead, there’s so much more to be done. He wants to get down while raising his standard.
Charles is clearly desperate and distraught because in the next paragraph he repeats himself: Tories, bastards. Lib dems, can’t win. I’ll spare his blushes. But next he’s warning the Mrs off the Lib Dems again - I think he suspects she’s had a dalliance with them as well.
This Lib Dems are a bad bunch by the sounds of them. If she shacks up with them, my better half is going to end up running with a dangerous crew. She better watch out, “Ian Huntley and other killers” might stab her with their votes.
He signs off with his endearingly clumsy signature. Maybe he was hot and nervous like you are when you craft a letter to someone you really like.
Bless him. It’s obvious the crayon he used was too thin for his sausage fingers.
The enclosed leaflet is a no less desperate affair. It outlines “five important facts you should bear in mind” before voting Lib Dem.
1. The Lib Dems would allow 16 year olds to buy alcohol.
I don’t know about you, but I doubt there’s 16 year old alive right now who hasn’t bought alcohol. If not, they clearly aren’t the street-savvy metrosexual bunch I’ve read about in the colour supplements. Certainly, Euan Blair had no trouble getting hold of grog to celebrate the end of his GCSEs under a Labour government.
2. The Lib Dems would give the vote to jailed killers, rapists and paedophiles.
Can you kill someone with a vote? Or rape them with one? Do paedophiles hang around in parks waiting to subject children to the horror of the vote? This is clearly a pitch to the prison-as-punishment-not-rehabilitation dollar. That’s a big dollar.
3. The Lib Dems would end all jail sentences for drug possession.
Notice that’s users not dealers. Some drug users need help. Labour clearly believe prison is the best place for them. Oh sorry, am I misrepresenting a tad? It’s a shoddy tactic isn’t it?
4. The Lib Dems would hike up income tax for hard working families.
God forbid that someone should try to reform a regressive tax system. And this from a so-called social democratic party. Whose best mate, Rupert Murdoch, by the way, doesn’t pay a penny in tax in the UK.
5. A vote for the Lib Dems helps the Tories win.
Fuck off. Aren’t you as sick of saying that as I am of hearing it?
That’s a whole leaflet giving five reasons why we should not vote Lib Dem, but not one as to why we should vote New Labour.
On the back of the leaflet is a tick box saying “I will be voting Labour in the election on Thursday 5 May” and a freepost address to return the tick to. If I wrap the thing around a brick and send it back do they have to pay the extra postage?
UPDATE: Tone’s been making sexy chit chat with a priddy lady as well. (Cheers John)
Posted on April 21st, 2005 at 9:58 am
What a tit. And didn’t Charles Kennedy explicity state in that Paxman interview that they weren’t going to lower the age for buying booze?
Every time I see one of these leaflets I get more likely to vote Lib Dem, just to piss Labour off. I might be meeting my local Lib Dem candidate for a drink tonight and all. Seems like a nice chap. If he buys me a pint, he could get my vote. That’d be massively corrupt, obviously, but meh…
I’d leave the brick out, but don’t forget to send the envelope. Organizations who send our direct mail pay for everything returned via the freepost address. Every single loan company that writes to me here gets an empty envelope back.
Think forward to Saturday 7th May………. All the trends in marginal consticuences where Labour won will show skewed stats in favour vis a vis postal ballots; by that stage Murdoch and Campbell will have some breaking scandal for that weekend.
What a sickening letter. It’s also the first time I’ve ever seen him smile. Do they think a picture of Charles Clarke smiling is going to the turn the voters?
How’ve they got your partner’s address anyway? Is she a member of the Labour party?
Eddie: He’s like Shrek’s dad, isn’t he. I automatically think of him as “No-trousers Charlie“.
As to the address, when we had Celia Barlow round a few weeks back she said she’d send us a leaflet. I can only think they made a note of the address and got my partner’s name off the electoral roll - she’s certainly not a party member.
Well then… my mind’s made up then. After havering with the Backing Blair idea of voting Tory, I was finally disgusted enough by the Tory campaign to find that too revolting a prospect to persevere with. Charles Clarke has just let us know which is the correct party to vote for as an anti-New Labour protest vote. Thanks Charlie!
“Positive policies win elections, not…”
Send the brick!
Yes, they pay the extra postage.
It’s one of many such techniques that can be used to exploit wealthy nasty organisations (or even poor, well-meaning ones if you’re a bastid). The tories once had a freephone number to call and pledge donations.
I heard tell that some people used to phone it from every phonebox they passed and leave the phone off the hook. Now, endorsing that sort of behaviour in public comes very close to being illegal (oddly enough).
But that doesn’t seem to stop those irresponsible scamps from passing on such information. Incidentally, I’ve heard it said that most mail that goes to big organisations gets opened by poor schmucks on YTS schemes and teenagers “volunteered” by their dads. So sending anything even vaguely nasty in freepost scams is considered a strict no-no.
Some people I heard of used to put little kinder egg toys in big boxes with a couple of housebricks wrapped in bubblewrap for weight. They figured it probably brought a smile to an otherwise dreary day, while costing the corporation/party a few quid in postage.
It looks like this is in Hove - where I also live. The letter from CLarke seems at best crass - but essentially he is correct on the electoral maths - at the last election the Lib dems secured 9.1% of the vote here (and their percentage of their vote actually fell by 0.5%). The Tories were just 3,171 votes behind Labour. the chances of a lib win here are remote - so not voting labour is likely to result in a Tory Victory - if that is what people want then fine - and if so then people should be honest and vote Conservative - if you dont want that then you’d better vote labour. Its simple really. its your choice.
Dan, please don’t rehearse the emotional blackmail arguments again. A quick look around here will tell you that I’ve had a gutful and it doesn’t wash anyway.
Voting against New Labour in Hove allows me to contribute towards shaving one seat off Blair’s bloated, rubber-stamping, war-voting, house-arresting majority.
I won’t be voting Tory or New Labour so, as well as a tactical vote, I get the luxury of voting for a party that better reflects my views as well.
What people do in other constituencies is up to them.
Justin - did not mean to cause offence - and was not intending to emotionally blackmail. I was however setting out the maths. It seems that we agree that a vote for a party which best represents your views (i.e not Tory or Labour) - could by a quirk of our electoral system - result in a Conservative victory in Hove. Which is not something that you seem to want. I suspect this is a dilemma for lots of voters in Hove - and there will be plenty of people in your position who will decide to vote Labour whilst holding their nose when they go to vote.
Just had one of those bogus newspapers from the Lib Dems, where they give credence to a poll that predicts a Lib Dem government with a majority of 128. Interesting!
Though this isn’t an official endorsement from Hove Labour, if you insist on not voting Labour (thereby imperilling your immortal souls), you ought to go for Mr. Franklin of the Silent Majority party. He may be completely barking but how can you not raise a smile at someone who thinks this:
“Reduce Backbench MPs salaries to the level of a Citizen’s Income (q.v.below) of £200pw, plus £200pw London Weighting, plus £200pw Public Duties Expenses = £600pw. Plus a Free Travel Pass to anywhere in the UK and at any time and by any means plus a free 1 bed flat near the Palace of Westminster (eventually hopefully in a purpose built MPs Block – the old GLC across the River would have been ideal) plus a free Personal Secretary/Assistant in their Constituency and of course the free use of the pool secretaries and research assistants at Westminster.”
No word on the compulsory serving of asparagus.
Oops, I meant ‘mortal souls’.
I got a leaflet from the Silent Majority party yesterday. I’ve been meaning to write something about it but every time I read the leaflet my brain locks.
I recommend visiting the website though to get the full flavour. The reintroduction of the birch and national service. An end to the Cult of Celebrity, political correctness and greed. Oh, and the obligatory policy for any candidate standing in Brighton or Hove: a new football stadium at Falmer for Brighton & Hove Albion!
Ace.
Is there a Charles Clarke And David Blunkett Should Be Banged Up For Life In Belmarsh Party?
If there was, I would vote for them.
I’m really sick of this constant banging on about ‘if you don’t vote for labour the tories will get in’. I had a labour canvasser at my door, tried to engage her in conversation and her response to every comment I made was the above. If everone who was disillusioned stopped ‘holding their noses’ and voted against these war mongering, pfi loving, smug gits then perhaps something would change.
Whatever happened to voting for what you believe in rather than just hoping that something worse won’t happen. Is that democracy?
Dan, no offence taken. I think you were just unfortunate in turning up a little late with that line of argument.
After reading the leaflet Charles Clarke sent I think I’m actually going to vote Lib Dem. Not to be perverse but because the policies Clarke tried, but failed to rip to pieces, are good, solid ones that a progressive left-wing party should be extolling not demonising. What went wrong?
its certainly true that some of the lib dems policies are more in tune with the left than New Labour(their civil libertaranism for example) whilst other policies of theirs are on the right (greater involvmenent of the private sector in public services for example).
I’m not sure any of the three main parties represent the spectrum of views of the traditional left - probably the nearest any party comes is The Greens, or Respect (but the cult of the personality of “Georgeous” George Galloway - is enough to put a lot of people off). Although there are plenty of people in Labour who would like to see a resurgence of left policies.
Perhaps its Richard Franklin of the Silent Majority party that people should vote for - he wants 25% of seats in Parliament reserved for small parties and independents! (presumably irrespective of how many votes that they get) - genius!
If that is not enough to attract you to vote for him how about the 12 month “defence of the realm” training for all!!
Another reason to vote for Mr Franklin is that he used to be in Doctor Who.
Did I say “Another”? I meant “The only”. He’s been Tory, LibDem, and I think Referendum too. At least. But he is at least entertaining.