Tomorrow, eight powerful and mysterious figures will retire to their secret, well protected headquarters and decide how best to save the world. Who are these heroes and how did they come to hold the fate of us all in their hands? Chicken Yoghurt blows the lids on our shadowy saviours. Just who are The Cavalryman, Landslide, Shrub, Le Bulldozer, Lionheart, Mr Dithers, The Grey Cardinal and The Audi-Chancellor?

Name: Silvio Berlusconi Alter Ego: Il Cavaliere (The Cavalryman) Country: Italy
Italy’s foremost superhero and its richest citizen – Forbes put his personal wealth at $12bn. Using this wealth for the power of good, Berlusconi’s benevolent control of much of the country’s media has allowed him to spread his message of tolerance and peace across Italy. Scurrilous accusations of corruption, jail sentences, alliances with neo-fascist supervillains and unguarded remarks defending Mussolini should be dismissed. Recently underwent surgery to disguise his identity from his enemies.

Name: Tony Blair Alter Ego: Landslide Country: UK
Saving lives since 1997 with his winning smile and willingness to listen, publicity-shy consensus builder Blair’s worldwide crusade has seen the liberation and elevation to greatness of Afghanistan and Iraq. That’s just for starters. His next mission? Saving the planet. Can he do it? He’ll fight and he’ll win! Rumours of an association with notorious supervillain Rupert Murdoch, the accusations of unaccountability and question marks over his wife’s financial dealings have failed to tarnish this golden man of action.

Name: George Bush Alter Ego: Shrub Country: US
Formerly a drug- and alcohol-addicted aristocrat supervillain, this millionaire playboy now fights on the side of the angels. A brilliant orator and military tactician, Bush is a formidable addition to the G8 team and can lay claim to almost infinite resources. Another controversial figure but rumours of shady business deals and cowardice during wartime have proved to be just that: rumours. Things are about to heat up but we can rely on George, never one to put his own cause first, to save the day.

Name: Jacques Chirac Alter Ego: Le Bulldozer Country: France
His special powers putting him beyond the reach of those who would seek to bring him low, Chirac is a formidable figure. His building of a common political cause with the socialist left in order to defeat the menace of fascist supervillain Jean-Marie Le Pen in 2002 is spoken of in awed tones. The slogan “better a crook than a fascist” was, of course, an ironic, affectionate joke. Never one to let anything stand in his way, hence his nom de guerre, Chirac is a steadfast ally.

Name: Junichiro Koizumi Alter Ego: Lionheart Country: Japan
Movie star good looks and a lustrous silver mane mark Junichiro from his contemporaries. With a keen sense of history, Junichiro respects the glorious dead and is famous for his honouring of Japanese heroes such as Hideki Tojo. Having his lighter side, and like his crooning comrade Silvio Berlusconi, Junichiro has been known to belt out a classic in his time – his album of Elvis covers was a 2003 smash. The sun continues to rise on this hero of the East.

Name: Paul Martin Alter Ego: Mr Dithers Country: Canada
Another millionaire playboy – Forbes put his personal wealth at $225 million – still has the common touch. His economic miracle of turning Canada’s crippling debt around while the country’s Finance Minister is a testament to his genius and was wildly cheered by those dependent on the medicare system which saw services streamlined as a result. Investment from supervillain Saddam Hussein in Martin’s oil company shows that the Canadian premier is prepared to go that extra mile to be inclusive. The road to peace sure has some exciting turns.

Name: Vladimir Putin Alter Ego: The Grey Cardinal Country: Russia
Another former supervillain, “Drive-by Shootin’” as he is affectionately known, was a secret policeman in the Evil Empire. Now a staunch defender of democracy, Vladimir has fought many of his own battles, the most famous being his liberation of Chechnya, won with barely a drop of blood being spilled. Chechnya remains a powerful symbol of what humanitarian intervention can achieve. Ever modest, he doesn’t like to talk about this and his comrades don’t like to embarrass him by bringing it up.

Name: Gerhard Schroder Alter Ego: The Audi-Chancellor Country: Germany
Is the sun about to set on Germany’s foremost lady’s man? Don’t you believe it. Schröder’s ceaseless quest for a better world is matched only by his zealous pursuit of a sleek, dark head of hair. His heroic, selfless and single-handed stemming of the floods that swept through Germany in 2002 is the stuff of legend, particularly as he was also fighting a general election at the time. His altruism also extends to China to whom Schröder wants to sell equipment enabling the country to breed its own super soldiers.

And when these heroes emerge, blinking in the sunlight with their plan for us all, a subtle plan beyond the grasp of mere mortals, who knows what fine new tomorrow they will have in store.

Run and hide African despots and your leopard-skin couches! Hang your head Mr Big Business and your plumes of pollution! Your day is done.