In Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens, agent of Heaven, the angel Aziraphale, and agent of Hell, the demon Crowley, both gone native on Earth, make common cause to prevent their respective masters from bringing about the Apocalypse. Unbeknownst to other, both of them employ the Witchfinder Army, which has survived to the present day. Also unbeknownst to the angel and the demon, Shadwell, the Army’s leader, is running a scam:

Strictly speaking, Shadwell didn’t run the WA either. According to Shadwell’s pay ledgers it was run by Witchfinder General Smith. Under him were Witchfinder Colonels Green and Jones, and Witchfinder Majors Jackson, Robinson, and Smith (no relation). Then there were Witchfinder Majors Saucepan, Tin, Milk, and Cupboard, because Shadwell’s limited imagination had been beginning to struggle at this point. And Witchfinder Captains Smith, Smith, Smith, and Smythe and Ditto. And five hundred Witchfinder Privates and Corporals and Sergeants. Many of them called Smith, but this didn’t matter because neither Crowley nor Aziraphale had ever bothered to read that far. They simply handed over the pay.

Somebody in the Iraqi security services has clearly read the book and is putting, what I’ll call for the purposes of this conceit, The Shadwell Gambit into play:

The Independent: Corruption threatens to leave Iraq with a ‘ghost army’

The Iraqi armed forces are full of “ghost battalions” in which officers pocket the pay of soldiers who never existed or have gone home. “I know of at least one unit which was meant to be 2,200 but the real figure was only 300 men,” said a veteran Iraqi politician and member of parliament, Mahmoud Othman. “The US talks about 150,000 Iraqis in the security forces but I doubt if there are more than 40,000.”

I urge you to read the full article to appreciate the full Ealing Comedy that is post war Iraq.

CHUCKLE at the tale of the $300m spent on two dozen Polish helicopters that turned out to be 28 years old.

TITTER at the under equipped soldiers forced to fight the insurgency with “ageing” Kalashnikovs.

SPLUTTER at the $5.2bn spent by the ministry of defence and ministry of the interior during six months but them having little to show for it.

Whether you were for or against the invasion it is now beyond a shadow of a doubt that the post-war period has been one almighty - excuse me - fuck up. Whether it’s a FUBAR or a SNAFU remains to be seen but the negligence that accomodates corruption and extremism, and the fingers-in-the-ears-la-la-la-can’t-hear-you denial of the liberators turned rebuilders is nigh on criminal.

And if I can’t appeal to your bleeding-heart liberal side, let me say this: We bloody paid for this Dad’s-Army-with-a-bodycount debacle.

“We’re doooomed!” or “Don’t panic!”?

Posted on July 15th, 2005 at 6:55 pm

See also • Basra: testing to destruction • Washington Post: Kurdish Officials Sanction Abductions in Kirkuk • Three billion, that’s the magic number		• Permalink • Trackback • Subscribe • Print
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