David Blunkett’s back on form with his Sun column this week (not online, unfortunately) after a bit of a lull in his last one. He hasn’t got a catchphrase like his predecessor* yet but it’s still early days.

There’s a welcome new feature “Sadie’s Week” wherein Blunkett’s trusty dog tell us of her recent adventures. This week, she protected her master from a stag and got a dog-chew and “fondled ear” as a reward. No mention of whether she’s getting a slice of the bunce David gets for “writing” his column. You have to admit though, it’s a literary conceit right up their with Andrew Marr’s guinea pig, Mr Snuffles and equally worth every penny. I’m thinking of giving my tapeworm, Perry Site a slot on CY.

David manages to sneak in some self-congratulation that’s been missing since the column’s inception:

When I was Home Secretary, I brought in tough laws that the Tories and Liberal Democrats tried to vote down.

…and…

I was proud as Home Secretary to play my part in the re-introduction of neighbourhood policeing with the new Community Support Officers.

The best stuff, however, comes when he’s laying into David Cameron (again). This time it’s about Tory women MPs:

The record is pretty pathetic so far. Just 17 Tory women MPs, barely the number they had 35 years ago. And just to show how respected they are, Shadow Home Secretary David Davis had well-endowed girls wearing DD T-shirts during the Tory leadership campaign.

Which is a very good point, I’m just not sure that The Sun, with its naked women on Page 3 and its new wheeze of peddling “erotic” girl on girl action to try and trap the one-handed Zoo and Nuts dollar, was the best platform for such a view. Maybe he could have a word with Rebekah Wade to see what levels of respect she has for women. He’ll have to be careful though, Rebekah might get the arse and rename a Page 3 lovely “David Blunkett” in order to lampoon the loony old killjoy.

Still, this equality lark is class warfare red in tooth and claw:

It isn’t just a knockabout issue. The question is whether the Tories reflect the nation.

Take education. Around six out of ten Tory MPs went to private school. Most of the Shadow Cabinet went either to public school, Oxbridge or both.

Nothing wrong with that. But it’s all about your experiences of life and whether you are in tune with the worries and hopes of your voters.

Which is a bit rich considering the Labour Party are led by a man who went from Fettes to Oxford to the Bar to politics without touching the sides. It’s also interesting to note that 30% of the current Labour cabinet went to Oxbridge - Tony Blair (Oxford), Patricia Hewitt (Cambridge), Charles Clarke (Cambridge), Lord Falconer (Cambridge), Ruth Kelly (Oxford), John Hutton (Oxford), David Miliband (Oxford) and Lord Goldsmith, the Attorney General (Cambridge). Which is a slight over-representation considering “[t]here are currently 333 institutions in the UCAS scheme including universities, colleges of higher education and further education colleges that offer HE courses.”

Nothing wrong with that. But it’s all about your experiences of life and whether you are in tune with the worries and hopes of your voters.

(You also have to wonder how in tune trips to Annabel’s, cushy seats on the board, country retreats and shagging rich married socialites “are in tune with the worries and hopes” of David’s voters.)

The thing is about Blunkett’s columns is that they’re so badly written, contemptuously tossed off and patronising that it’s difficult not to take a purely oppositional stance to what he’s saying. All this calling the Tories on their record of equality would make more sense if (oh, irony of ironies) the Government post of Women’s Minister was a paid position. Or if leading Blairites could keep their greasy 1970s prejudices to themselves. Or if New Labour had managed to boost its own tally of women MPs by more than the paltry increase of three between 2001 and 2005 (PDF document).

It makes you wonder if Blunkett does indeed write these columns himself and they’re not written by some teenage hack on the work experience. Where’s the insider’s insight? Where’s the talent and spirit that have supposedly sustained Blunkett through long years of public service? If this isn’t just a favour from Rebekah Wade to shore up Blunkett’s money woes then why isn’t she demanding more than this from him?

I’m generally down on Sun readers for the patronising and paternalistic reason that I wish they’d realise what kind of shite they’re being fed and find something better. But then again, I’ve known Sun readers who showed infinitely more sophisticated thought processes than Blunkett displays in his “writing”. If Sun readers aren’t to be caricatured as football-obsessed sex freaks, why throw this rubbish at them? Who has more contempt for Sun readers, me or Wade?

For somebody famous for his prodigious memory and sharp grasp of briefs and issues, Blunkett comes across as an ill-informed, saloon-room bore. Which, as I said last week at the risk of repeating myself, I do for nowt**.

*I love Will Self.
** My very own, “you couldn’t make it up“.

Posted on December 15th, 2005 at 10:08 am

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