Jeremy, the Corporate Presenter, has tagged me with the ‘6 things in 2007 - My Prophecies‘ meme. Here’s what I foresee for the year ahead.

1) Stunning news in January when Tony Blair is revealed as a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother. Sealed in the house he is beyond the reach of the police who announce they wish to re-interview him under caution in the culmination of the cash for honours scandal. Blair wins the competition, and thus stays out of the clutches of the law for a whole month, by the simple expedient of giving a steady trickle of gossip about all the celebrities and popstars he’s holidayed with over the years. The stories about Cliff Richard prove particularly shocking and the pop sensation is torn limb from limb by a baying mob.

2) After the execution of Saddam Hussein fails to stem the violence in Iraq it is announced that it was not the real Saddam that was hanged but one of his many famous doubles. In another attempt to stop the ongoing carnage another double is publicly hanged. And then another. Like the moon landings, after four more hangings, people lose complete interest. In order to jump start the franchise, a vote via telephone and text message is held to decide the method of the real - honest, it’s truly him - Saddam’s execution. The highlight of the 2007 Easter TV schedules is a show where Saddam jumps into a pit of starving dogs with a sword, like Ernest Borgnine in the movie, ‘The Vikings‘. Presented by Ant and Dec. On Christmas Day, for the post-Eastenders cheer-up, a clone of Saddam is pushed very slowly into a bacon slicer. By Dale Winton.

3) Blogging is officially outlawed by the Government after an unprecedented torrent of sweary, unconstructive blog posts hurt their feelings. This culminates in John Prescott refusing to deny rumours circulating the internet and put to him on Radio 4’s Today programme that he is a useless, Northern crap-factory. Hordes of pasty and overweight bloggers wheezily take to the hills to wage guerilla warfare (that is, post rude articles via a wi-fi hotspot) until the Government is swept away by the return of the King Over The Water, Tim Worstall.

4) New security measures to check women wearing the niqab passing through UK airports are delayed just long enough for Tony Blair to flee the country wearing one after he is charged with selling honours.

5) After previous scaremongering falls on deaf ears, Sir Ian Blair announces that the terrorist threat facing the country is the ‘gravest since zombies took over in “28 Days Later“, Martian tripods levelled Leatherhead in “War of the Worlds“‘ and the time, as a boy, he was sacked from his paper round for shooting the wrong dog up the arse with his air rifle because he thought he it was going to bite him.

6) President for Life Blunkett declares martial law.

I’m going to break with my traditional role of meme-slayer on this occasion because I quite like this one and I could do with a laugh. The following people should feel under no obligation to take up the baton but if they have any feelings for me at all they should do so: Pond, Rodent, Larry, John and Nosemonkey.