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The War Against Terror officially turned five this week with the anniversary of the establishment of the Guantanamo Bay interrogation facility. As he graduates from nursery to the greater challenges of reception class, let’s see how little Warren Terror is progressing…

SOCIAL SKILLS:

His teachers worry that Warren is becoming something of a bully. His habit of getting together with other troublemakers to get what he wants is concerning. He also thinks he has the power to give detention. His locking some of the other children in the boiler room for no reasons and refusing to let them out was a shocking episode.

NUMERACY:

Warren’s lack of even basic numeracy skills is a cause for concern. He will change his incorrect answers after they have been marked claiming to have been right all along. This week, for instance, he changed the number of toy soldiers he owns by 21,500 after getting his first count wrong. His failure to grasp the concept of money is also worrying. His guess that it would cost $50bn for a trip to little Saddam’s house turned out to be underestimated by a factor of ten. He also refused to count the number of toys he broke while he was there.

LITERACY:

While Warren can read perfectly well, his comprehension skills leave much to be desired. He misrepresents or contradicts the simplest facts or else claims not to understand them at all. Sometimes he will refuse point blank to answer questions. His creative writing, however, is excellent and he regularly has the class in stitches with his flights of fantasy. His improvisational skills are also impressive and he can make up the most detailed stories on the spot -­ his reasons for fighting with little Saddam in the sandpit, for example, were inspired.

SPORT:

Until recently Warren seemed to have boundless energy -­ he would run and run even if it seemed like he wasn’t really getting anywhere. Lately though he seems to be flagging and there are worries about his willingness to be a team player. His rough and often careless demeanour, not to mention his tendency to want to hog all the glory for himself, has meant many of the other children have refused to play with him any more.

ART:

Disappointingly, Warren has yet to complete a project he has started. He also makes terrible messes which he often refuses to clean up afterwards. A little more variation in his choice of colours would be welcome. He is over fond of orange (particularly in his choice of overalls) and his black imagery is not helped by the buckets of crimson he keeps spilling all over the place.

(First published in this week’s 5th birthday edition of The Friday Thing.)