True Brit: The great smell of brutishness
On the matter of national pride we must turn, once again, to the Testament of Bill (Hicks). From the book of Rant In E-Minor, chapter 14:
‘I was over in Australia, and got asked, “Are you proud to be an American?”
‘I dunno, I didn’t have a lot to do with it. My parents fucked there, that’s about all. I was in the spirit realm at that time, trying to tell them, “Fuck in Paris! Fuck in Paris!” but they couldn’t hear me, ’cause I didn’t have a mouth. They fucked here.’
The ‘crisis’ of ‘national identity’ that manifested itself again this week - in calls for ‘British values’ to be taught in schools - is not one of Britishness but one of Englishness. The Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish, after all, seem pretty sure of their identities: the Scots in hating the English, the Welsh in being hated by the English and the Irish in being invaded by the English.
But no, say our overlords, it’s not Englishness (whatever that is), it’s Britishness (whatever that is) we must foster. Too strong a sense of Englishness (or Scottishness, Welshness or Irishness) leads to all kinds of terrible places like independence and English parliaments and the remaining limbs being amputated from what’s left of the Empire. And we can’t have that - some of our leaders would have to get proper jobs. No, it’s unite - rather than divide - and conquer. Except, thanks to devolution, the ‘British values’ will only be taught in English schools.
Here’s how Education Secretary Alan Johnson defined ‘Britishness’ on Radio 4 yesterday:
‘Er, well, I think first of all… it… it… er… it involves the values we hold very dear in Britain which is free speech, which is tolerance, which is respect for the rule of law.’
What could be more British than knuckle-chewing inarticulacy? Or the tolerance demonstrated by our reality television shows. Or our free speech that bans unauthorised protest around Parliament. Or our respect for the rule of law that torpedoes investigations into corrupt Saudi arms deals.
As luck would have it, copies of the proposed ‘British values’ test for school children have been leaked. See how you get on.
….
1) You are travelling on public transport. One of the passengers attacks another. Do you:
a. get off?
b. hide behind your copy of ‘Heat’ magazine?
c. get out your camera phone?
2) An old lady drops a £20 note in the street and you pick it up. Do you:
a. buy Stella Artois?
b. buy a pair of jeans that display the thong garrotting your arse?
c. buy a train ticket to Branscombe Beach?
3) A story on the evening news concerns a child who was abused and then murdered. Do you think:
a. ‘I wonder what’s happening on Hollyoaks?’
b. ‘You know, I don’t think Natasha Kaplinsky is wearing a bra.’?
c. ‘It’s not a dog or a cat so who gives a shit?’
4) Britain’s most famous export is:
a. cluster bombs
b. the Pilgrim Fathers
c. Gary Glitter
5) When I grow up I want to be:
a. a buy-to-let landlord
b. a call centre worker
c. Vernon Kay
Yep, you pass.
(First published in this week’s edition of The Friday Thing.)
Posted on January 26th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
| See also • Fool Britannia • Overkill’s flipside • Byrne the scoundrel |
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Filed under Off Yoghurt, The Friday Thing, UK politics |
The Northern Irish seem pretty sure of their identities?
the Welsh in being hated by the English
I think that’s very unfair. There’s much more to Welsh culture than that: such as sounding like you’re attempting a Pakistani accent, and singing far too loud, far too often, and flat.
One aspect of Britishness (I think that rather than just Englishness though, being both, I’m not sure) is writing (and reading with at least some amusement) such quizzes.
Best regards
Larry Teabag
You missed out the Welsh past-time of sheep-bothering…
This made me laugh. The Truth often hurts.
Croke Park justin
Now there’s a interesting scenario in 2007
I most certainly don’t hate the English. I did marry one after all. But those Australians though…
A point though: I remember going up “back home” when I was at university in Guildford (or ‘down in England’ as my aunties still insist on calling it) and seeing “english go home” spray painted on a bridge and it did upset me. It’s not even a race thing, it’s more mindless stupidity. Idiots needing something to hate.
I say ‘British’ when asked, my parents say ‘Scottish’. Generational thing?
Good questions, but I think Britishness could be boiled down to three…
1) Are you a decent, hard-working type who plays by the rules?
a) Yes
2) Is everybody else an evil bastard on the make?
a) Yes
3) Do you complain at very great length about the above state of affairs?
a) Yes
If you bothered to answer any of the questions above, then congratulations! You are a true Brit through and through: a self-pitying, pusillanimous sickbag of mean-spirited prejudices and nauseous misanthropy.
God Save The Queen!
Well goodness me Mister Rodent, hasn’t somebody read a dictionary today. Now that of course, on its own, would be a terrible thing to say although I’m not as timid as to be pusillanimous and I’m giving you a break. Your call.
Here in Australia at present, to be English, is to be crap at cricket.
On the subject of Englishness you’re certainly spot on about our current abject need for approval.To this I would add a raft of other irritating characteristics.
Our conception of ourselves in terms of national identity is in direct contradiction to reality.We seem to think everyone likes us so we can be forgiven any outrageous abuse of foreign hospitality when abroad.Alternatively when we begin to realise that actually a lot of people despise us then we retreat into a stance of pathetic self-pity along the lines of “well they should be more grateful”we were their liberators etc.These delusions of persecution and being undervalued play into the characteristic boorishness that other Europeans recognise us by.
We’re desperate also when abroad to prove how sexually liberated we are so we blather on loudly in coarse terms about sex and scatology in a vain attempt to hide the real shyness and prudishness which have always been root English qualities.Our hosts are not fooled a bit.
Our belief in our saintliness and vocation to do good in the world are evident in media accounts which omit any reference to our
deceitful foreign policy down the ages wherein we sell arms to dictators,intervene against weaker nations whose resources we covet.
De Gaulle knew instictively that we are not Europeans and had no busines trying to gain admittance to the EEC.No we are far more American in our outlook.Like them we seem still to believe in our moral and physical superiority over all other nationalities.
Europe and the rest of the world breathe a sigh of contentment as they watch our damnably hypocritical project in Afghanistan and Iraq go down the swannee.The Anglo/US forces will suffer a humiliating defeat but will likely not learn what other cultures have long understood :the need for a little humility,respect and good manners when dealing with other people.
Freeborn
“sex and scatology”? You’re quite literally talking shit. I guess that was your point but I don’t quite get it. So OK, I’ll see your DeGaulle veto card and raise you Guy Mollet.
Oops!I’ve just been scotched and thereby been prodded into remembering some other characteristics.Our proclivity for smalltalk and trivia betrays an aversion to emotional honesty or any sort of earnestness on the part of the person with whom wer’e communicating.
We are more inclined to say what we think we are expected to say in a given context than to verbalize what wer’e actually thinking.
Someone from another culture who has spent time studying and internalized such unwritten rules of English interaction will be held up as evidence of our supposed English virtue of tolerance and multiculturalism.This conveniently obscures the fact that we find real cultural differences awkward and embarrassing so that the settler will rarely be asked anything about the their cultural origins.Assimilation on the host’s terms is expected,indeed has even been insisted upon by the likes of Blunkett!
And lest I forget within the English national psyche there exists an enormous capacity for……… self-loathing!
Nah, ya can’t beat the Scots for self-loathing. “not just wankers, we’re colonised by wankers”.
All the best as I leave this thread.
Well duh, if you can’t moan at length about the weather, whatever the weather happens to be, then you cannot truly be English.