For Immediate Release

Recent challenges arising in the UK’s criminal justice system have prompted the Home Office to pilot a programme of community custody schemes across the country. We at Civic Comeuppance Ltd are proud to announce that we will be providing a major part of this new wave of outsourcing penal services to the private sector.

Unveiled this week, Our AdoptaCon™ scheme is inviting low income families to give up their spare rooms to the Correctional Candidates that government reformatory facilities and police station broom cupboards are currently unable to accommodate.

These new Community Warders will receive generous benefits packages, a big jangly bunch of keys and a blind eye turned to any excess of exuberance. AdoptaCon™ will issue buckets, tatty pornography and snout to all Correctional Candidates. To ensure the smooth running of the scheme, Home Office officials will not be overseeing its procedures.

Following on from the AdoptaCon™ programme will be the AdoptaNonce™ scheme. No longer will communities live in fear of the untraceable sex beasts in our midst - they will be under lock, key, and constant surveillance in our very own homes.

Powers to administer physical admonishments to these sexually differentiated Candidates will be given to Community Warders under the terms of their contracts. Specially trained AdoptaNonce™ operatives, equipped with sharpened spoons will visit once a day during ablution periods.

In the event of problems the latest panic button technology will summon the nearest neighbourhood vigilante team who are equipped with the requisite placards and incendiary devices and are on standby 24 hours a day.

Chairman of Civic Comeuppance Ltd, the recently ennobled Lord Hyde Malone, explaining the new schemes says ‘Designed to be arresting, this “experiential” approach increases reform and rehabilitation’s relevance within consumer’s lives.’

Commenting on the new initiatives, Home Secretary John Reid said, ‘My staff and I spent an entire Friday afternoon drawing up this policy. This is the opportunity for members of the community to stop moaning and take action.’

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Notes to editors:

1. The Community Warders will be blogging their experiences at intheshowers.blogspot.com

2. A new BBC TV series about the ups and downs of life as a Community Warder, presented by Fiona Bruce and Nick Knowles, will air in the Spring.

(First published in this week’s edition of The Friday Thing.)