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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Government announced today that Phase One of its carbon neutral interactive democracy initiative is now complete.

Government statisticians have calculated that the energy saved by 1,460,785 motorists registering their concerns about the forthcoming road charging scheme on the Downing Street e-petition website, instead of taking to the streets or roads, has saved enough energy to fuel a reasonably-priced car for an entire series of ‘Top Gear’.

Indeed, the self-satisfaction measured as being generated by those signing the petition has registered at 2.6 on the Clarkson Scale. Scientists are now looking at how to harness this abundant alternative source of energy.

‘There’s been a long history of popular movements in democracy in this country,’ said cabinet minister, Ruth Kelly. Other ministers have also welcomed this popular movement from the sofa to the PC. On the matter of road pricing, ‘the status quo is not an option,’ added Ms Kelly, herself generating 2.6 gigaclichés – enough energy to provide 13 re-runs of Richard Hammond’s high-speed car crash.

Phase Two of the initiative, announced today, sees another series of exciting innovations introduced into the United Kingdom’s democratic process. Advances in both medical procedures and technology mean that physical interaction with both the environment and the government is no longer necessary.

In a painless procedure, the electorate’s brains will be removed from their bodies and suspended in a liquid nutrient compound. They will be connected to the Downing Street e-petition website via a central information grid.

This way they will be able to register their concerns with only the minimal use of electrical energy. These concerns will then be filed in a secure facility for study by future archivists.

The resources saved by reducing wasteful human interactions, not to mention the exciting biofuel possibilities from the harvested subcutaneous fat and cholesterol, will secure energy reserves for many generations to come.

This innovation is seen as a vindication of the Prime Minister’s vision. ‘Just as science and technology has given us the evidence to measure the danger of climate change, so it can help us find safety from it,’ he said in a 2004 speech on the environment. ‘The potential for innovation, for scientific discovery and hence, of course for business investment and growth, is enormous.’

The public have no cause for concern. Emotional sustenance and entertainment will be provided by a schedule of simulated rape trials, aspirational wish-fulfilment and low-grade pornography which is fed directly into the cerebral cortex.

Please remain in your homes. You will be collected.

(First published in this week’s edition of The Friday Thing.)