Indiana Jones and the Absolutely, Positively Last Crusade
It was announced this week that filming of the new Indiana Jones movie will start in June. In preparation, 64 year-old Harrison Ford is spending three hours a day in the gym and eating a high protein diet. The poor bastard.
Sean Connery (76), in retirement since hating every minute of making ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ (he should have tried watching it), has said he will reprise his role as Indy’s father, Henry, if the script’s any good. It couldn’t be worse than the turd that dotted the full stop of his career as it currently stands, surely?
In an exclusive, here’s a glimpse of that finished script.
INTERIOR. PROFESSOR HENRY JONES’ KITCHEN - DAY
The kitchen is dimly lit and dirty. Various dusty and vaguely familiar artefacts stand on shelves. Standing at a work surface, INDY resentfully mashes a banana in a bowl. A drooling HENRY JONES sits at the table, rocking back and forwards. MARCUS BRODY, the pair’s friend and adviser sits next to him, staring sadly into space, an opened, half empty bottle of scotch in front of him.
I suddenly remembered Charlemagne. “Let my armiesh be the rocksh and the treesh and the birdsh in the shky.”
The front door bell rings. INDY throws down the spoon angrily and storms out of the room.
Godammit!
Good morning Mr Jones, we’re bailiffs sent by the Department of Work and Pensions. We’re here to collect the overpayment of your father’s care allowance.
Now, wait a goddamned minute!
INDY flies backwards through the door into the kitchen followed by two burly BAILIFFS in black bomber jackets. They examine the artefacts around the room.
Yep, this should do nicely.
That cross is an important artefact. It belongs in a museum.
INDY draws himself up, sticking his chest out at BAILIFF #1. There is a loud CRACK! sound.
That’s it, Indy! Use the whip on them!
That wasn’t my whip. That was my hernia support belt giving out.
INDY swings a slow, weak punch at BAILIFF #1 who dodges it easily and punches INDY in the mouth, knocking him to the floor.
Jeshus! My denshures. You broke my denshures!
She shells shea shells on the shea shore.
INTERIOR. PROFESSOR HENRY JONES’ LIVING ROOM - DAY
INDY, HENRY and BRODY sit in a line on the sofa. INDY has a Yellow Pages on his lap and is slamming down the telephone.
What doesh it take to find an NHSh dentisht in thish town?
The search for an NHS dentist is the search for the divine in all of us. But if you want phone numbers, Indy, I’ve none to give you.
I’ll get hold of Shallah. He’ll be able to help.
INDY dials a number into the phone.
SPLIT SCREEN. INDY AND SALLAH.
Shallah, get over here. We’re back in bishnesh. Thish ish the big one. Bigger than the Losht Ark, the Temple of Doom and the Holy grail.
Indy, my friend. I can no longer help. Very dangerous. A money-grabbing Arab stereotype with many children who speaks in a cod-Egyptian accent is no longer acceptable to sophisticated audiences.
INDY slams down the phone. He gets up and switches on the television.
I’m getting too old for thish.
The state pension age is to rise to 68, the work and pensions secretary, John Hutton, said today.
Nazshish. I hate theshe guysh.
INDY slowly, quietly, begins to weep.
(First published in this week’s edition of The Friday Thing.)
Posted on March 3rd, 2007 at 7:47 am
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You’re wasted on blogging.
I suppose he (connary) thinks he will have the chance to redeem himself, lets hope that he takes full advantage of it and that he can re-retire with a good film at the end.
But then dose any film/rock star really retire these days? It seems they just say then do and then 3 years later or when they are bored or have run out of money.
Maybe they should try proper jobs? Or, dare I say it, money management.
sequels always make money though. Even the new rocky film…
hey wait>>Rocky vs. Indiana - let me gor write the script..
Sing the theme tunes to Indiana Jones, Star Wars and Superman back to back.
Bet you can’t
they are making another sequel to “Rambo” and it is NOT going to be set in Iraq. Bastards.
Christchurch! I’d like to read the script for Rambo IV… I heard it’s going to be a romantic comedy.