So, The Friday Thing won’t be here anymore to hold your hand through the minefield of modern life. And let’s face it, 21st Century Britain is rapidly coming to resemble one of Hieronymus Bosch’s more stomach-churning paintings.

So, in a last gift to help you through the coming months, we take a final look in the TFT crystal ball before we sell it at a car boot sale on Sunday morning. Here’s what we would have been writing about if TFT bosses hadn’t decided they’d rather spend the money on hookers and gin.

April: In another desperate attempt to boost his flagging popularity, Prime Minister in waiting Gordon Brown signs up for ‘Strictly Come Dancing’, ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ *and* ‘The X-Factor’ where he sings Mika’s ‘Grace Kelly’. He lets Matt Lucas urinate on him in a ‘Little Britain’ special. Rumours of a dalliance with Russell Brand are not denied by Brown’s official
spokesman.

May: David Cameron’s toe-curling ‘let sunshine win the day’ speech to the Conservative Party conference back in October turns out to have been a literal threat when the Tories reveal a huge orbiting magnifying glass paid for by their massive party donations. Cameron promises to fry Londoners like ants unless they vote Conservative in the local election.

July: During the men’s final at Wimbledon, a naked Gordon Brown dashes from the crowd and triumphantly vaults the net. The stunt backfires however, when a distracted Tim Henman, playing in his first final, is then thrashed 6-0, 6-0, 6-0.

September: Richard Littlejohn is still a cunt.

November: A public holiday is declared when Chris Moyles’ brutally beaten corpse is discovered face down in the River Thames. Hunting the killer, police begin door-to-door enquires in Land’s End and finish in John O’Groats.

December: Tony Blair declares he’s definitely going but not just yet. There’s still some hoovering to be done in Number 10 and the back bedroom needs painting before he can step down.

January: Chaos ensues in the Celebrity Big Brother house as social norms break down completely and John Leslie is burnt to death inside a huge wicker cock. Channel 4 executives play down the controversy, stating: ‘The viewing has at times been uncomfortable but it is a good thing that the programme has provoked such a debate. These attitudes, however distasteful, do persist - we need to confront that truth.’

February: President Beckham declares martial law.

(First published in the last ever edition of The Friday Thing. Go and have a look around the archives, it was really good.)