The Bush administration is developing plans to “internationalise” the Iraq crisis, including an expanded role for the United Nations, as a way of reducing overall US responsibility for Iraq’s future and limiting domestic political fallout from the war as the 2008 election season approaches.

Not that it’s the Bush Administration’s fault, obviously. We asked those damn Iraqis to clean the toilet after we’d been but the smell’s chased them off, the wusses.

“[US commander, General David] Petraeus is brilliant. But he is the captain of a sinking ship,” said a former senior administration official who questioned whether Iraq’s divided political leadership could prevent a descent into chaos. “Iraq’s government is a mobile phone number that doesn’t answer. Iraq probably can’t be fixed.”

Well, Jalal Talabani should be easy to find, if nobody else. He’s in a celebrity fat club in Minnesota. The same one used by such alpha specimens as JFK and (I love this) man’s man Ernest Hemingway.

Meanwhile, Tony Blair continues his victory parade. As part of his ‘Son of Krypton 2007′ tour, he’s making a speech to the UN. It’s eerily familiar:

CHECK ON DELIVERY

Clear this mess up for me, would you?

Thank you.

He will then proceed to the nearest restaurant, have a slap-up feed and then wriggle through the bog window without paying.

Update: But what’s this? Good news from Iraq? Don’t look now but the economy in Southern Iraq might be on the up and up. Through opium cultivation. Hooray!