Just wizard
Anybody looking forward to the latest and final round of Pottermania? No?
The last two books were unbelievably pedestrian, under-edited and overly grim. Book six was so grim that it left me concerned for JK Rowling’s mental well-being. One of the major characters is horribly and painfully maimed, then slowly and graphically poisoned (in a disturbing scene that will never make the 12A cut of the movie), before being mercifully put out of his and our misery. Nice.
For those not able to summon the time, energy and sado-masochistic tendencies required to read the final instalment, I found out how it all ends from a leaked version online (don’t listen to him).
- As he is preparing for his final showdown with the Dark Lord, Harry is killed when a drunken Hagrid trips and falls on him.
- Ron is beaten to death by jealous love rival, Viktor Krum.
- A grief-stricken Hermione goes on a killing spree at Hogwarts before turning the wand on herself.
- Neville Longbottom dies of a brain embolism shortly after being crowned World Ultimate Fighting Champion.
- Professor McGonagall is sacked from Hogwarts after accusations of spreading fascist propaganda among the students.
- Dumbledore is not dead but in fact faked his death to escape charges of downloading child pornography.
- Hogwarts is closed after a terrible OFSTED report. It is reopened as a City Academy specialising in training call centre workers.
- Draco Malfoy and Cho Chang settle down in Norwich and have two children. He does something in computers.
- Dobby the house elf wins the lottery but catches an STD while on holiday.
- Voldemort retires and opens an antique shop in Dorking. He is investigated by police for unwittingly handling stolen goods but the charges are dropped. He sometimes goes for tea with that nice lady at number 56. He takes her flowers.
The last word of the book is ’scar’. The final line reads, ‘British popular culture will forever bear the…’.
Posted on July 19th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
| See also • Closing time • Shame Academy (sorry) • House! |
Permalink • Trackback • Subscribe By Email • Print This Post • • • |
|
Filed under Culture, media and sport |
It is indicative how blockbusters which begin as tours-de-force with the cleverest balance inevitably descend into the dark and grotesque by the third or fourth instalment.
See also the Master being portrayed as a genocidal wife-beater in the most recent episode of Doctor Who.
“Draco Malfoy and Cho Chang settle down in Norwich and have two children. He does something in computers.”
No no no. Surely that should be:
‘He runs a rightwing anarcho-libertarian blog.”
???
“Neville Longbottom dies of a brain embolism shortly after being crowned World Ultimate Fighting Champion.”
Strangely, I actually know (or at least used to) a UFC chamption, Chuck Lidell. Would you believe he read accounting at university? It is rather Neville behaviour, isn’t it?
Anybody looking forward to the latest and final round of Pottermania? No?
As the part-proprietor of a children’s bookshop, I’d say:
No, not really. We’ll sell some copies but there’s a myth that children’s literature is all about Harry Potter and it isn’t. It’s a very small proportion of our sales, not least (but not only) because you can buy these books at any bookshop.
There’s an argument that it stimulates children’s interest in reading and is therefore A Good Thing but I doubt that its overall effect is more than very minimal.
Book six was so grim that it left me concerned for JK Rowling’s mental well-being.
I have never read any of her oeuvre, although I did see one of the movies and found it mildly amusing, but I’m of the wrong generation to get the full effect. Nevertheless I daresay the bank balance Rowling has accrued from these books and all the spin-offs will be more than sufficient compensation for your no doubt well-meant literary criticism.
For a woman who’s rolling in cash, it surely wouldn’t hurt JK to cheer up a little.
She looks like somebody just pissed on her poodle every time she’s photographed.