So [1] Gordon Brown’s appointed a new adviser to investigate the effects of the internet (specifically violent and sexual imagery) on children. It’s [2] Dr Tanya Byron, erstwhile presenter of the jewels in the BBC’s crown, ‘[3] The House Of Tiny Tearaways‘ and ‘[4] Little Angels‘, where member of dysfunctional families air their problems for the edification of the wider public. You know, the kind of programmes that make you feel like your life’s not so shit after all.

There’s no doubt that Dr Byron has [5] an impressive CV: 17 years as a clinical psychologist and a burgeoning media career that has branched into [6] writing sitcoms. It’s just that, how many people do you think Downing Street looked at before they decided on Dr Byron? Or did they just say, ’sod it, get her off the telly’? Would she have even got the gig without her media profile and is it possible that there are more suitable candidates?

Anyway. I’m probably doing Dr Byron a disservice and she might surprise us all by reaching conclusions and recommendations that don’t mirror Brown’s puritanical instincts or suggest banning anything.

Of course, all of this follows on from Gordon’s love of gritty, gripping television. Or wish-fulfilment, as we in the reality-based community like to call it. We are, after all, talking about a man who once uttered [7] this piece of classic mouth-droppings:

I like TV programmes like X Factor, Dragons’ Den and The Apprentice. They show the value of aspiration, how anyone can achieve things.

It makes you wonder what else might be in the works. I’d give my left plum to be working in the Number 10 policy unit right now. Just think of the possibilities of being able to get the public swallow even more contemptuous and contemptible grift. How about these:

• Noel Edmonds gathers together a bunch of prison officers who have to guess which box contains the best pay rise. All the boxes have next to bugger all in them.
• Gordon Brown sits in a big black chair under a spotlight and is asked questions on his specialist subject by John Humphreys. Brown fails to address a single question properly but is still declared the winner.
• Fifteen suspected terrorists are locked in a house. The ‘housemates’ are then watched all day. That’s it. Not sure, but they might have already thought of this one.
• To stem public outrage over fatcat city bonuses, [8] Bratley K. Twatt and his colleagues will be presented with their cheques by the sebaceous Chris Tarrant, who chuckles ‘I don’t want to give you that’ before handing them even larger cheques.
• Cabinet Ministers appear on a special edition of ‘[9] Just A Minute‘ where they have to speak for a minute on a given subject. Repetition, deviation and hesitation are mandatory. Again, this may have already been thought of.
• Evan Davis takes a group of nurses to a trendy warehouse apartment to watch Duncan Bannatyne counting his money.
• Jeremy Paxman presents a quiz show where two teams of four working class students attempt to make it through higher education.
• Robert Llewellyn asks two teams, red and blue, to build manifestos out of any old shit lying around and then get them to fart around the country without collapsing. The winner gets to bin their manifesto.
• Jim Bowen presents a sporting quiz where he ask members of the public to continue to prop up the British economy. ‘Keep out of the black, and in the red,’ he begs.
• Gordon Brown invites two teams of political journalists to ‘Call My Bluff’. None of them do. Ever.

Gordon, if you’re reading, you can have those for free. Call me, baby.