Being one of the Chosen People, as a voter down here in the super-marginal Hove and Portslade constituency (majority 420), I’ve very much enjoyed being lavished with attention from the local Conservative Party.

In the past few months, it’s become clear that the local party have been putting Lord Ashcroft’s treasure to good use. Barely a month goes by without a glossy despatch from Tory candidate Mike Weatherley dropping through the door.

Yesterday, however, a very different beast arrived. The four-page, tabloid-sized ‘Change’ was pushed through the letterbox.

Pieces from David Cameron and Caroline Spelman, party chairman, are on the front and Shadow Health Secretary Andrew Lansley gets page two. Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, Shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague and Shadow Home Secretary David Davis are the page three lovelies. Peter Ainsworth, the Shadow Enviroment Secretary, and Shadow Security Minister Dame Pauline Neville-Jones get the sports page.

Now, the publication’s strapline is ‘News update from your local Conservatives’. But unless Cameron, Spelman, Lansley and all have quietly moved to Hove in the last few weeks, that’s a lie isn’t it? I’ve been through the thing and there’s no mention of Hove and Portslade or Mike Weatherley. Or how the Tories would bring an end to Portslade’s dogshit crisis which is now in its 5679th day (my youngest trailed through another turd only this morning). It’s just boilerplate propaganda about what a nasty man Gordon Brown is. A paper-based WebCameron, if you will.

Not that I’m complaining or anything (I’m giving it to the gerbils to chew and turn into bedding in a minute, they’ll love it). The Tories are simply exploiting the loophole in our electoral system to get their message out and attempting to buy democracy as you’d expect from any amoral, power-hungry and cash-rich political party.

At least the Tories are visible - you never hear from Labour round here between one election and the next. It’s just worth noting that insulting people’s intelligence never, ever, goes out of fashion.

UPDATE: Looks like the gerbils’ treat might be off. Tory Central Office have just replied to my enquiry:

Dear Mrs McKeatney,

Thank you for your email which has come into David Cameron’s inbox via the Conservative Party website.

I am very pleased to hear that you have received a copy of our newsletter, and we hope that you enjoy reading it. I am afraid I simply do not know whether it would be safe for your gerbils.

Thank you again for writing.

I demand that some of Lord Ashcroft’s millions be diverted to the attempt to find out. Isn’t that the challenge of the 21st century?