The BBC are speculating about five cutting edge technologies that are expected to make the breakthrough in 2008. There are actually a few imminent innovations missing from the list. Here’s what else will make us glad to be alive in 2008.

Dry Unroasted - A genetically engineered, sexually transmitted disease that destroys the libidos of Premier League footballers.
For many years the holy grail for women, this development is all but ready for human trials after conclusive tests on tomcats. It is hoped that young women will be once more able to attend nightclubs and social functions in total safety and without being badgered into ’servicing’ the Manchester United midfield. The disease should have been ready several years ago but the laboratories were firebombed a number of times by tabloid newspaper editors.

The Rechargeable Twattery - An ennui-powered fuel cell.
Scientists - in conjunction with Rupert Murdoch’s News International - believe they have harnessed an almost inexhaustible new power source to replace dwindling fossil fuels: the apathy of the British public. Research has shown that that the higher the body count, the bigger the political crisis, or the more sickening the assault on our way of life by our elected representatives, the less of a shit the average British citizen actually gives. This process has the beneficial side-effect of generating gigawatts of apathy. By careful manipulation of newspaper headlines, soap opera storylines, lottery rollovers, lager prices and Ginsters sausage roll output, Britain will still be aglow long after more engaged and enlightened nations have slipped into the dark ages.

Aspiration Reduction and Sagacity Exchange - A brainwave manipulation device that significantly reduces the hopes and dreams of asylum seekers as a means of solving the immigration ‘crisis’.
Developed by government scientists in consultation with a coalition of right-wing thinktanks and newspaper editors. Administered at points of departure worldwide, the ARSE acts upon the optimism centre of an asylum seeker’s brain and makes them think they are coming to a miserable, unwelcoming and xenophobic land where they will be exploited for a pittance, rather than the sunny, welcoming, fair-minded and ripe-for-the-pillaging country - that they read about in Daily Mail - where they will get a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work.

The Candom - A condom that turns into a can of export-strength lager after use.
Experts are confident that this innovation will solve the UK’s teenage pregnancy problem at a stroke. The device works by way of the heat and movement generated by the sexual act which triggers an accelerated fermentation process. The condom will be marketed under the slogan, ‘No Glove, No Glug‘.

alliswell™ - A revolutionary new anti-depressant drug.
Scientists have recently discovered an extremely rare chemical produced only in the brains of New Labour prime ministers. This chemical blocks the reality receptors in a person’s brain giving an overwhelming sense of never being wrong along with feelings of supreme confidence and control. Biochemists have been able to synthesise the chemical into a medicinal drug. Once in mass production, it is hoped alliswell™ will aid the wider public in dealing more easily with everyday pressures such as their incompetence, wars and criminal investigations.