• home • about • twitter • archives • subscribe • email •

Call off the search for Osama bin Laden. Stop hunting al Qaeda and the Taliban. World terrorism isn’t the cause of all the strife in the world today, merely one of the symptoms.

No, I’ll tell you who’s the biggest threat to world peace. Homosexuals.

The Pope said so. It’s all a matter of status, of course. When the likes of Fred Phelps say it, it’s weapons-grade loop-the-loop cobblers. When Benedict XVI says it, the world must sit up and listen. In his Message for the celebration of the World Day of Peace, the Pontiff says:

[E]verything that serves to weaken the family based on the marriage of a man and a woman, everything that directly or indirectly stands in the way of its openness to the responsible acceptance of a new life, everything that obstructs its right to be primarily responsible for the education of its children, constitutes an objective obstacle on the road to peace.

Did you hear that? Homosexuality is an objective obstacle on the road to peace. Why aren’t cruise missiles screaming down on the headquarters of Stonewall right now? What the hell are our leaders doing making Muslims miserable? I want hardline, empty-but-vaguely-reassuring rhetoric on the Gay Menace broadcast in a live television statement tonight.

Graham Norton was on the telly again the other day spreading his message. I tell you, it was chilling – that voice and those dead eyes. These people live amongst us with their music and their clothes. And have you noticed that they smell? Sort of warm and Calvin Klein-y? And they talk funny. At least, some of them do. They must be up to something, talking in code like that. I bet they want to make us all gay.

And they hate kids – who ever heard of gay people wanting to settle down and have families? It’s absurd, isn’t it? Asking a homosexual to hold down a stable relationship would be like asking the head of the Catholic Church to stop living in the 13th century, wouldn’t it?

Speaking of the Middle Ages, what we need is a crusade. The Pope could do it properly and grant plenary indulgences to all of us getting out there and converting the gay community. I mean, come on, who hasn’t had a few beers and offered to ‘cure’ a gay person? Which ladies among us hasn’t dreamed of riding Rupert Everett eight ways from Sunday in order to save his immortal soul? Which red-blooded mail hasn’t pondered that all Jodie Foster needs is some man-lovin’ to allow her to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? I know I haven’t because I’m not that much of a prick.

The former Prefect of Holy Office of the Inquisition ends his dire warning of Homogeddon with: ‘To all my best wishes for a joyful New Year!’. That of course depends on how you interpret the meaning of ‘joyful’. None of that making people of the wrong gender feel ‘joyful’, ok? There’s a war on.