One of the biggest threats to US security may now come from within Europe, US Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff has told the BBC.

Yes, but does he have a dossier cut and pasted from the Internet? Without one of those, all this is just so much wind.

When you think about it though, this could be a way out of trouble for Peter Hain. All he need do is defect to the Americans and spill the beans on our weapons of mass destruction programmes, our burgeoning nuclear ambitions and our links to rogue states in return for a pile of CIA cash and certain assurances.

Then, the humanitarian intervention going off without a hitch, the British people welcoming their American rescuers with open arms and flowers, and our natural resources (minor celebrities and buy-to-let landlords) liberated eight ways from Sunday, Hain can head the new puppet government.

It’s perfect. We’re saved from terrorism (one way or another), Hain salvages his career and the likes of David Aaronovitch, Nick Cohen, Melanie Philips, along with their attendant keyboard battalions and armchair artillerymen, can finally shut their big yap.

Update: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Chertoff’s gut:

Thanks to pro_tempore in the comments.