The cabinet will begin by being weighed and photographed in underwear for one of those cruelly lit “before” photos, which will be placed on a website. There must be video clips, naturally, so perhaps Trinny and Susannah and their satanic 360-degree mirror could be drafted in at this stage. “Come on Des, you’ve got great boobs, but that neck bulge must be swaddled at all times!” All ministers will submit to a diet and exercise regime, and keep meticulous food diaries. Each week everything they have consumed will be laid out on a trestle table, and Gillian McKeith drafted in to sneer at it. “Oh Jacqui, you disgust me, you really do. How can you be snacking on a kebab at 5pm? Why not try my reasonably priced seed munch?”

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