I’m not sure why there’s all this fuss about McDonald’s being given permission to offer ‘A-level style’ qualifications. I’m going to get myself one pretty damn quick.

I mean, look at the way our civilization’s going. We have an ascendant, under-educated and over confident aristocracy, a descendant under-educated and over confident underclass, institutionalised idiocy, and looming war, disease and financial meltdown. In the scattered ruins surviving the impending cataclysm, people with burger-flipping diplomas are going to be the philosopher-kings of our society. I want to be on that gravy train.

One thing that did go unreported when the announcement was made that a fast food corporation is going to be allowed to educate our children was that I’ve been given accreditation to award diplomas as well.

The first will be ‘Cynicism and Pessimism PgDip’. You too can be never disappointed but very, very occasionally surprised. The course will run over a number of months and consist of a series of questions about the issue of the day. The first exercise begins now.

You will require: A pen and paper, 10 minutes and 35 seconds of your time, and the patience of a saint. You may begin.

Listen to this interview with Jack Straw denying the charge that the UK prison system is at breaking point. He talks of the expanding prison population and the building of huge ‘Titan’ jails.

Question: How many times in the course of the interview does Straw use the word ‘rehabilitation’?

Take your time. Write down your answer and put it somewhere safe.

Pens down.