Satan is an amateur, says Smith
DEAD-EYED Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, has declared Iraq safe and told 1,400 Iraqi asylum seekers to bugger off back or be forced to live in the gutter.
Ministers hope that by making life for Iraqi asylum seekers similar to that in downtown Baghdad, they will acclimatise and take the hint. In keeping with British policy in Iraq, support for Iraqis in the UK is being withdrawn.
Those refusing to return to the tranquil haven of new Iraq will have their shitty accommodation, piss-poor food and look-at-me-I’m-an-asylum-seeker vouchers reallocated.
Despite 78 deaths in Iraq since Saturday and in a move that will please racists and sociopaths everywhere, Ms Smith will implement a plan to cover her arse should any of the returnees be shot, bombed, drilled, raped, tortured, disappeared or otherwise fail to integrate into the newly rebuilt Iraqi society.
Each asylum seeker will be asked to sign a waiver ‘agreeing the government will take no responsibility for what happens to them or their families once they return to Iraqi territory’. ‘Iraq is safe but we’re not complacent about these matters,’ said a morally-compromised source close to the Home Secretary.
A spokesperson for Ms Smith told reporters, ‘The current cabinet is stuffed to the rafters with proper bastards. Really evil bastards. You have to get up early to beat the likes of Jack Straw and John Hutton. The Home Secretary feels that it takes something really, really special to stand out. We believe these new measures will demonstrate the emotionally-detached thuggery that modern politics demands.’
No Iraqi asylum seekers were available for comment.
Posted on March 13th, 2008 at 10:28 am
| See also • Health and Safety Elephants • Kicking them out one door, bringing them in the other • Zimbabwe: sending a message |
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• 14 Comments |
I resent your use of the Phantom of the Opera as an objectionable correlative for the Home Secretary. Erik was intelligent, prepared to kill for music rather than money, and conscious of his own ugliness. There isn’t a New New Labour minister who could say the same.
Yes, but I put ’slack-mouthed’, ‘doughy and inappropriate twelve inches of cleavage’ and ‘monster’ into Google and got nothing back. What would you have done?
Sounds quite like the Cloverfield monster to me…
I would have used this.
Fantastic. I shall put it in my back pocket for later.
They will also be asked to sign a waiver agreeing the government will take no responsibility for what happens to them or their families once they return to Iraqi territory.
Jesus Christ.
He’s not listening.
You spelt “amateur” wrong.
Sorry, my brain is so burned with this absolutely fucking hideous idea that the only thing I can get it to do is go into pedant mode.
Thanks, Katherine. Fixed.
I’m just revelling in the ‘Iraq is safe but just in case it’s not, sign this’ construct. It’s beautiful.
V for Vendetta is beginning to seem like such a sensible solution to the problem…
Mike: I was thinking that recently (though the book is still in my to be read pile).
Delighted to hear that Iraq is now safe to visit, I rushed to the Foreign Office’s travel advice page to discover “the security situation in Iraq remains highly dangerous with a continuing high threat of terrorism throughout Iraq, violence and kidnapping targeting foreign nationals, including individuals of non-western appearance.”
Shurely some mistake?
’slack-mouthed’, ‘doughy and inappropriate twelve inches of cleavage’ and ‘monster’
Hooray! I just put ’slack-mouthed’, ‘doughy and inappropriate twelve inches of cleavage’ and ‘monster’ into Google and got Jacqui Smith! Thanks Justin!
Iraqis asylum seekers told ‘What’s the problem?’…
or more accurately, f……