I’m eagerly awaiting Jacqui* Smiths announcement that she once bought a kebab in Basra. Like in London, she wouldn’t walk the street of Iraq’s third largest city after midnight, but then does anyone know anybody who would choose to do so? Ms Smith would admit she is fortunate that she doesn’t have to do that.

That said, she’ll state categorically that people are ‘much less likely to be a victim of crime’ in Basra since New Labour took over.

* Jacqui. What is she, like, 12 or something?