A pox upon Mat for this.

What I was doing ten years ago:
Staring in blank futility at a computer screen, whoring myself to bastards. No, sorry, that was this morning. Hang on, it was ten years ago as well. Yes.

Five things on my To-Do list today:
- See a penny and pick it up
- Boil my pants
- Finally make sexy chit chat with that lollipop lady
- Finish the application to MI6
- Find out where that smell’s coming from

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Tesco have got buy one get one free packets of custard creams.

Three of my bad habits:
- Grocery shopping in only a cock-sock
- Jumping out of people’s wardrobes dressed as the devil
- [THIS ENTRY REMOVED BY COURT ORDER]

Five places I’ve lived:
- My mummy’s tummy
- In a state of denial
- I’ve spent a year living Staines
- I’ve spent 37 years living in stains
- In that cold, dark, empty space inside all of us

Five jobs I’ve had:
- Painting Christopher Hitchen’s kitchen
- Unblocking Saddam Hussein’s drains
- Serving Robert Mugabe’s wasabi
- Babysitting Hu Jintao’s huge twin cows
- John Prescott’s proctologist

Five books I’ve recently read:
- So You’ve Decided To Form Your Own Death Squad
- The Toilet Cistern Vodka Handbook
- It’s Not Your Fault: Blaming Others For Everything
- The Anal Trauma Pop-Up Book
- Don’t Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus

Five people or communities I’m going to tag:
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Peter Rabbit
- The Muslim Community
- The 1966 World Cup winning side
- Jesus