So, anyway. You’re never going to believe this but I think I have discovered the cure for cancer. Are you ready?

It’s sherbet.

That’s right. If you eat sherbet for 42 days, it could prevent you from getting cancer. Now, pre-eminent oncologists and many other medical experts, dentists and the like, are disputing this but I have to say to them that the threat from cancer is current and it is growing. It is grave and exceptional. Of course there are other treatments for cancer but they are a lot more difficult and expensive. And unpopular.

There are those that say 42 days of sherbet could exacerbate the problem - make the cancer worse - but I say that it would be negligent of me not to look to any and all methods in the fight against this scourge. If there is a chance sherbet could prevent a growth in cancer then we should use it.

Despite reports of widespread opposition to the plans, there are important and influential figures who have welcomed them. The producers and sellers of sherbet have warmly greeted the initiative knowing it will allow them to perform their jobs much more easily. Not better as such or more efficiently, you understand, but one cannot expect everything in these uncertain times. They have their overtime forms already filled out.

Many of my friends and and family have been sceptical about this measure that I’m introducing but I believe, now that they’ve had it explained to them that their personal wellbeing is on the line, they have come around to my way of thinking. I sense the ground is shifting.

Of course, if 42 days of sherbet proves to be inadequate, we can increase the treatment to 56 or even 90 days and beyond. People will - understandably - want to know the facts behind the reasoning for this unusual measure but I say this to them: you don’t need to know and I’m not telling. Scrutiny rhymes with mutiny, y’know.