I was wondering if the government’s tactics to win the vote on 42 days internment might be applicable in other walks of life. After all, these people are exemplars who have risen to the highest stations in British life. Why would it be wrong to follow their example?

For those just coming in, the government, worried about losing the anti-terror legislation debate this evening, and having comprehensively lost the argument, have had to resort to buying votes. It’s called ‘making concessions’ by those in the trade who like to glamorise these transactions, but it’s really old fashioned pork-barrelling, bribery and whoring.

Everyone’s principles have a price, or at least that’s the government’s thinking. I suppose they jettisoned theirs so long ago and so cheaply they think everyone else is just like them. Unfortunately, it turns out they might be right.

Still, it’s useful to know just what price some MPs put on a thousand years of British liberty and common law. Could come in useful later down the line - maybe we could club together and buy an MP of our own.

DUP MPs are collectively worth around 200 million quid but there are bargains to be had apparently. According the BBC’s Nick Robinson one Labour MP has been offered money for a miner’s compensation fund. Why that MP isn’t asking why the money isn’t there already hasn’t been explained.

Another has been promised that Gordon Brown would oppose sanctions against Cuba. So much for the world statesman and champion of democracy. Who knew the major issues of geopolitics were so malleable, so reasonably priced? I’m just sorry there isn’t a Labour MP standing on a platform of free jetpacks for all.

It really doesn’t seem to have occurred to Gordon Brown in his scramble to look hard that if he had a rock solid, utterly convincing, based in evidence case for 42 days he’d have little opposition and none of this tawdry haggling and dragging politics through the shit once again would have been necessary.

Still, as I said, this is an approach that could help us all in our daily lives. Exam students, instead of making arguments and forming conclusions in essays, should merely staple a tenner to their answer papers. Or a note with ‘IOU One Blow Job’ written on it.

Job interviews. Bringing up children. Getting them into a good school. Negotiating a promotion at work. All that effort. All that stress. All that tiredness. All gone with the wave of a ‘concession’.

It would certainly take the bowel-shaking tension out of forming human relationships. Forget charm, wit, wooing, personality and the wonderful mix of emotions involved in finding a partner. Merely ascertain at what price your potential life-partner would consider putting out.

It comes close to soliciting prostitution, obviously, but all’s fair in the lofty matters of love and war (on terror) as any government minister would tell you. Whispering ‘Hulloo darlin’, how’d you fancy making concessions?’ in a sexy Gordon Brown voice will no doubt have the object of your desire weak at the knees.

Posted on June 11th, 2008 at 11:19 am

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