Is anyone else noticing an upsurge in spam email purporting to be from your high street bank and asking you to verify your account details and PIN number? I suspect that these emails aren’t from third-party chancers at all but actually from the banks themselves hoping to trap the gullible into ponying up some much needed liquidity.

I see a delegation has been to see the Chancellor of the Exchequer overnight to ask for more cash. I seem to remember that the last large delegation to visit him asking him for a raise - representing teachers, nurses, and other key workers and public sector workers - were told to sod off in no uncertain terms.

Would the banks strike, do you think, if Alistair Darling fails to give in to their demands? Can we look forward to a Winter of Content as smug and patronising banking workers huddle around their braziers on picket lines outside your local branch?

We could even draft in the army to fill the breach like we do when the firefighters have the audacity to ask for few more quid for running into burning buildings. It would certainly make life a little more interesting. Imagine the letter you’d receive when you went 47p overdrawn.

Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms Chump

It is with profound regret and sadness that we record our sorrow at the entering of your account into a negative balance of £0.47. Your account saw much active service and and you should be proud as are we and a grateful economy. The account was performing its steadfast duty at the cash desk in HMV when the tragedy occurred.

I extend my condolences to you and your family. I hope that time and memories will help lessen the burden of your sorrow, and that you may draw some measure of comfort knowing that others care and share in your loss.

You have been charged £25.00 for this letter.

Yours

Major Some Bloke
(Acting Bank Manager)

Phoning a call centre would be more fun as well.

PRESS ONE TO SPEAK TO AN ADVISER, SAH!

WE REGRET WE CANNOT EXTEND YOUR OVERDRAFT AT THIS TIME, YOU ‘ORRIBLE LITTLE MAN!

STAYING IN CREDIT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, IS IT? RESTORE YOUR ACCOUNT TO CREDIT. QUIIIICK MAAARCH!

YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN CONFINED TO BARRACKS, SONNY!

I think it could work. Having an account with a major bank is already a consistently humiliating experience. We’re already regarded as lower than worms by them but there’s nothing worse than somebody pretending to like you when you’re pretty sure that you disgust them. It’s poor for one’s self-esteem and general mental well-being.

The banks are your best mate in the good times but Satan in the lean times. It’s very much…

‘Get that overdraft sorted, you tosser.’

‘Tosser? You wanted to go for a pint yesterday.’

‘That was yesterday. Give me that 47p, you wanker. Right now.’

‘Here, take it. Jesus.’

‘Thanks. Now, about that pint. Tuesday good with you?’

I think taking the passive-aggressive element out of the equation would be good for the national psyche. Who better to do that than a screaming Sergeant Major. Mr Darling? Tell the banks to do one.