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In November last year more than 200 people were killed in central Nigeria in clashes between the Christians and Muslims communities. You won’t have heard about it. It didn’t make the rolling news headlines. Whitey wasn’t there and he didn’t lose anything in the conflagration. The video footage (not that there was any) wouldn’t have looked like the thrilling money shot from a Terminator movie.

ONE hundred nations last night signed a treaty agreeing to kill people without using cluster bombs.

The new treaty means the signatories will now be forced to use one of the thousands of other weapons at their disposal when wiping out entire villages of brown people.

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Amazing. Stanislav Petrov, we salute you.

…some explode spectacularly, like New South Wales Police Minister Matt Brown’s:

A witness told The Australian Mr Brown stripped down to his “very brief” underpants and danced to loud “Oxford Street-style” techno music on a green leather Chesterfield couch he had recently ordered for his office.

The witness said Mr Brown “mounted the chest” of Wollongong MP Noreen Hay.

The witness said Mr Brown called out to Ms Hay’s adult daughter during the performance: “Look at this, I’m tittie-f..king your mother!”

More politicians should do it. Surely to God Gordon Brown knows his number’s up. Instead of pathetically limping on for another few months, like a wounded animal, before slowly and painfully expiring in a mewling, sobbing heap, Gordon should dry hump the Home Secretary live at Prime Minister’s Questions.

Gordon would salvage some dignity and the rest of us would talk about nothing else for the rest of our lives.

(Via Warren Ellis)

Here’s one for connoisseurs of detention without trial:

Japanese police have arrested two Greenpeace activists for exposing a whale meat scandal involving the government-sponsored whaling programme.

…

The box of the most expensive cuts of whale meat had been illicitly removed by crew of the Nisshin Maru, the whaling factory ship, following this year’s Southern Ocean whale hunt. Its contents were marked “cardboard” and it was shipped to a private address.

…

The Tokyo District Prosecutor Office announced that it has been unable to find evidence of the embezzlement and that the investigation into crew and whaling officials has been dropped.

However, on June 22, the two activists, Junichi Sato and Toru Suzuki, were detained without charge for ten days. They’re still there – under Japanese law, they can be held up to 23 days without charge. For wanting to provide evidence for a possible prosecution.

The facts of the case are murky to say the least. Send a letter to the Japanese Prime Minister and Foreign Minister.

Two thoughts after reading this:

The Chinese government has defied international anger at its crackdown on Tibetan independence protests, accusing the Dalai Lama and his “splittist clique” of being out to destroy the Olympics and damage China’s international reputation.

a) You’ll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. ‘Hey, you in the decadent West. The Dalai Lama wants to ruin your running and jumping about, the bastard,’ says China.

b) What international reputation? We know they’re bastards but we’re addicted to cheap tat. They could build a Death Star in high orbit if they like, we’re not going to rock the boat. It’s why we’re not seeing wider outrage. If it was Cuba doing this, people would be going ballistic.

The Daily Mash:

IF Britain wants to pay more than £15 for a DVD player then it may as well just go ahead and boycott the Beijing Olympics, the prime minister said last night.

Oh, what a heady whirl it is to be European Commissioner for Trade for Peter Mandelson! Bono, Bill, Gordon and Miliband major. Mwah, mwah. Peter could have danced all night. And still have begged for more. His favourite restaurant? L’Idiot du Village.

If he was honest, I bet Peter wishes he’d been born into the court of Louis XIV. The intrigue, the romance, the unbelievable balls. Then he could have worn a real powdered wig, a dab of rouge and one of those little beauty spots on his cheek. Instead of the metaphorical versions.

A good one this one:

Russia’s foreign ministry said Wednesday it would temporarily close regional offices of the British Council cultural organization, marking a further deterioration in bilateral relations.

…

“I think it’s a very sad fact that there are two countries in which the council is not allowed to operate. That is Burma and Iran,” British Foreign Secretary David Miliband said, using the former name for Myanmar.

“I just hope the announcement today from Russia does not signal they are taking steps down that road. That is unwholesome company in which to be.”

Except the British Council has got offices in Rangoon and Tehran.

Young Miliband really must try harder with his propaganda. It’s not as if the material isn’t out there.

(Via Private Eye)

Total insist that their presence in Burma has helped to make the place more liberal, because they’ve engaged in “constructive engagement” with the regime. That’s how to deal with murderers: never mind stopping them, constructively engage with them by helping them out. If only Maxine Carr had thought of this. She could have said, “Instead of whining from the outside about Ian Huntley I decided to constructively engage with him,” and by now she’d be in the House of Lords.

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Just look at them. Most of us can’t even be bothered to summon the energy to change the channel if there’s something crap on the telly. These people are walking and walking and walking, not even knowing if they’ll be coming back.

It remains to be seen just how we can help with what’s happening in Myanmar right now. Who knows? The protesters may yet prevail. It’s a question of hoping that the junta don’t on this occasion give into their baser instincts and kill more people that they already have. It’s also to be hoped that something comes out of the discussions at the UN for a change.

In the mean time, there’s the small matter of a petition (via Rachel). If anybody has anything else we can do, I’d love to hear about it.

Jamie Kenny’s keeping tabs on some of the best blogging that’s emerging. Read the bit about Buddhist psychological warfare. Just amazing.

UPDATE: An excellent post from Davide.

UPDATE UPDATED: Just had an email which might be of interest to anyone based in Brighton:

In support of the peaceful protest by monks and nuns in Burma.

* This Sunday (30th Sept), and the following two Sundays *

Organised by Stephen H. and supported by the Free Burma Coalition.

All info: Stephen on 01273 746351 / 07816 865355 / henntsp@yahoo.com:

This is to inform you of three peaceful Dharma Yatras (silent walks) taking place on Sunday 30th September, Sunday 7th October and Sunday 14th October in support of the monks and nuns who are peacefully demonstrating in Burma. The walk will leave the Palace Pier at 12 noon and end at the Peace Statue (Hove lawns) each day. Please assemble at the pier entrance between 11.30am – 12 noon. Members of the Free Burma Coalition will attend the walk.

For a brief explanation of what Dharma Yatra are see.

For an example of how Buddhists use Dharma Yatra see.

Unfortunately, the last time the monks led peaceful demonstrations in Burma, in 1988, hundreds were shot and thousands of innocent men women and children were murdered. Since then tens of thousands have been systemically tortured.

Various Buddhist groups and organisations are supporting this peaceful Dharma Yatra.

Yours in Dhamma,

Stephen

The email also came with links to some YouTube movies:

Channel 4’s Despatches: Burma’s Secret War

BBC News: Oppressive government in Burma

UPDATE: I like this.

(Via Jamie)

From the classifieds:

Pouting, brooding, ever-so-slightly insecure 50-something would-be strongman, WLTM similarly minded for domination, tussles, skirmishes and possible hot-cold relationship. Can provide own baby oil. Let Vlad impale you. PO BOX putey-cutey.

It’s how I want to go.

He better have a good alibi:

A goat that gained international notoriety last year after getting married to a Sudanese man who indecently assaulted her has died after accidentally choking on a plastic bag.

The black and white goat called Rose swallowed the plastic bag while scavenging for scraps on the streets of Juba, a town in southern Sudan, it was reported today.

‘Accidentally’ choked. Yeah, right. I hope the police are checking Rose’s will to see who the beneficiary is. What the hell was the husband doing while his wife was out on the streets? Feet up with a beer, no doubt. Or blogging.

And what about the children?

Following the marriage Rose had a male kid…

No! Was it Randy Pan, the Goatboy? Alas not…

…but “not a human one”, Mr Rhodes [editor of the Juba Post] said.

I love the fact Mr Rhodes thought clarification was necessary. And who gets custody? Will the husband be able to take the child in or will it be too painful to be reminded of his late wife every day?

Update: The BBC have a book of condolence.

Update updated: It’s in no way an excuse but we’ve all been there:

The man involved confessed to the villagers that he was drunk when he mounted Rose and was not in his senses.

It’s true what they say: Men are from Mars and goats are from Venus.

Doctors used to say that people who die in an alcoholic coma inflict a severe insult to the brain, and this seems to have been the cumulative effect of his rule in Russia on the Russian people. They loved our Levis and yearned for our freedom, or so the story goes, so we endorsed for them a drunken clown whose lucid moments were devoted to the enrichment of his cronies. Sometimes he would defend parliament, at other times shell it with tanks. Why? Don’t remember, it’s all kind of woozy. Anyway, the man was a sport.

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The Prime Minister’s announcement this week that he wants a proper job after he leaves Number 10 was met with some approval. ‘It’s about bloody time,’ was the sane person’s response. ‘Whatever I do afterwards, it has to have real purpose to it,’ said Tony of his retirement plans. If he’d only said that all those years ago when he gave up being a lawyer to become a politician, we might not be in the mess we are now.

Meanwhile the Blair Premiership continued on its meandering, meaningless way, like an elderly, senile and incontinent tomcat looking for somewhere to pass away with a scrap of dignity. The Middle East was Tony’s destination to sprinkle the seasonal magic fairy dust of peace on earth and goodwill to all.

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Eight Men in One Room can change the world: the economic structure of it, anyway. But they won’t. These eight men didn’t get where they are by helping the world’s poor, but by pandering to lobbyists and agribusiness, and sending pork home from every international shindig. Ordinary people like us aren’t constrained. Given the choice between some very expensive awareness-raising plus a police baton charge or two, and 6,500 childhoods, I know which one I take. Every time.

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Tomorrow, eight powerful and mysterious figures will retire to their secret, well protected headquarters and decide how best to save the world. Who are these heroes and how did they come to hold the fate of us all in their hands? Chicken Yoghurt blows the lids on our shadowy saviours. Just who are The Cavalryman, Landslide, Shrub, Le Bulldozer, Lionheart, Mr Dithers, The Grey Cardinal and The Audi-Chancellor?

Name: Silvio Berlusconi Alter Ego: Il Cavaliere (The Cavalryman) Country: Italy
Italy’s foremost superhero and its richest citizen – Forbes put his personal wealth at $12bn. Using this wealth for the power of good, Berlusconi’s benevolent control of much of the country’s media has allowed him to spread his message of tolerance and peace across Italy. Scurrilous accusations of corruption, jail sentences, alliances with neo-fascist supervillains and unguarded remarks defending Mussolini should be dismissed. Recently underwent surgery to disguise his identity from his enemies.

Name: Tony Blair Alter Ego: Landslide Country: UK
Saving lives since 1997 with his winning smile and willingness to listen, publicity-shy consensus builder Blair’s worldwide crusade has seen the liberation and elevation to greatness of Afghanistan and Iraq. That’s just for starters. His next mission? Saving the planet. Can he do it? He’ll fight and he’ll win! Rumours of an association with notorious supervillain Rupert Murdoch, the accusations of unaccountability and question marks over his wife’s financial dealings have failed to tarnish this golden man of action.

Name: George Bush Alter Ego: Shrub Country: US
Formerly a drug- and alcohol-addicted aristocrat supervillain, this millionaire playboy now fights on the side of the angels. A brilliant orator and military tactician, Bush is a formidable addition to the G8 team and can lay claim to almost infinite resources. Another controversial figure but rumours of shady business deals and cowardice during wartime have proved to be just that: rumours. Things are about to heat up but we can rely on George, never one to put his own cause first, to save the day.

Name: Jacques Chirac Alter Ego: Le Bulldozer Country: France
His special powers putting him beyond the reach of those who would seek to bring him low, Chirac is a formidable figure. His building of a common political cause with the socialist left in order to defeat the menace of fascist supervillain Jean-Marie Le Pen in 2002 is spoken of in awed tones. The slogan “better a crook than a fascist” was, of course, an ironic, affectionate joke. Never one to let anything stand in his way, hence his nom de guerre, Chirac is a steadfast ally.

Name: Junichiro Koizumi Alter Ego: Lionheart Country: Japan
Movie star good looks and a lustrous silver mane mark Junichiro from his contemporaries. With a keen sense of history, Junichiro respects the glorious dead and is famous for his honouring of Japanese heroes such as Hideki Tojo. Having his lighter side, and like his crooning comrade Silvio Berlusconi, Junichiro has been known to belt out a classic in his time – his album of Elvis covers was a 2003 smash. The sun continues to rise on this hero of the East.

Name: Paul Martin Alter Ego: Mr Dithers Country: Canada
Another millionaire playboy – Forbes put his personal wealth at $225 million – still has the common touch. His economic miracle of turning Canada’s crippling debt around while the country’s Finance Minister is a testament to his genius and was wildly cheered by those dependent on the medicare system which saw services streamlined as a result. Investment from supervillain Saddam Hussein in Martin’s oil company shows that the Canadian premier is prepared to go that extra mile to be inclusive. The road to peace sure has some exciting turns.

Name: Vladimir Putin Alter Ego: The Grey Cardinal Country: Russia
Another former supervillain, “Drive-by Shootin’” as he is affectionately known, was a secret policeman in the Evil Empire. Now a staunch defender of democracy, Vladimir has fought many of his own battles, the most famous being his liberation of Chechnya, won with barely a drop of blood being spilled. Chechnya remains a powerful symbol of what humanitarian intervention can achieve. Ever modest, he doesn’t like to talk about this and his comrades don’t like to embarrass him by bringing it up.

Name: Gerhard Schroder Alter Ego: The Audi-Chancellor Country: Germany
Is the sun about to set on Germany’s foremost lady’s man? Don’t you believe it. Schroder’s ceaseless quest for a better world is matched only by his zealous pursuit of a sleek, dark head of hair. His heroic, selfless and single-handed stemming of the floods that swept through Germany in 2002 is the stuff of legend, particularly as he was also fighting a general election at the time. His altruism also extends to China to whom Schroder wants to sell equipment enabling the country to breed its own super soldiers.

And when these heroes emerge, blinking in the sunlight with their plan for us all, a subtle plan beyond the grasp of mere mortals, who knows what fine new tomorrow they will have in store.

Run and hide African despots and your leopard-skin couches! Hang your head Mr Big Business and your plumes of pollution! Your day is done.

Everyone has an opinion about Venezuela. Even me, though I’m not sure what it is yet. This poll, carried out by this company ahead of December’s scheduled elections, suggests Venezuelans themselves are pretty sure…

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Spending ranged from $18 per person in Africa, $45 in Asia, $112 in Central and Eastern Europe to $248 in the Middle East, $530 in Western Europe, and $1435 per person in the United States, SIPRI said.

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CARACAS (AFX) – President Hugo Chavez said that his government is interested in developing nuclear energy, stressing that his government has no intention of making bombs.

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Chavez said Venezuela would cooperate with other Latin American countries and seek support from countries such as Iran.

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I haven’t written much about Venezuela and Chavez of late. If anything, things have been a bit quiet – a period of detente, you might say – between Chavez and the US administration. Republican attack dog Senator Norm Coleman – a man who’s been calling for Kofi Annan’s head of late – even paid Chavez a cordial visit in the last month.

But I wanted to mention this:

The Guardian: Let them read Quixote

The Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez has printed one million copies of Don Quixote to mark the 400th anniversary of the publication of Cervantes’ novel. This week they are being handed out free in public squares for the improvement of his citizens, while at the same time our politicians are also on the streets distributing material of infinitely less literary merit. So, for making this wonderful novel freely available to Venezuelans, hats off to Hugo, whose devotees incidentally are known as chavistas, but not for the reasons that link them to Wayne or Colleen.

It’s a classic Chavez gambit – like most of them – that will make is his supporter say, “that’s ace,” and his detractors say “what a prick”.

BBC News: Prince’s Mugabe handshake gaffe

Prince Charles has made a diplomatic gaffe on the eve of his wedding, by shaking hands with Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe at the Pope’s funeral.

In fairness to Chas, it was an easy mistake to make. Like Jack “it was quite dark” Straw, he probably thought he was shaking hands with Thabo Mbeki or Kofi Annan. Or Linford Christie.

Sammy Davis Jnr?