I think I’m in love (probably just hungry)
Think I’m your friend (probably just lonely)
Think you got me in a spin now (probably just turning)
Think I’m a fool for you (probably just learning)
Think that I can rock and roll (probably just twisting)
Think I wanna tell the world (probably ain’t listening)

Come on…

Think I can fly (probably just falling)
Think I’m the life and soul (probably just snorting)
Think I can hit the mark (probably just aiming)
Think my name is on your lips (probably complaining)
Think that I have caught it bad (probably contagious)
Think that I’m a winner baby (probably Las Vegas)

Come on…

Think I’m alive (probably just breathing)
Think you stole my heart now baby (probably just thieving)
Think I’m on fire (probably just smoking)
Think that you’re my dream girl (probably just dreaming)
Think I’m the best, babe come on (probably like all the rest)
Think that I could be your man (oh, probably just think you can)

Come on…

I think I’m in love, I think I’m in love

(With apologies)

Adam Boulton:

Under Tony Blair Labour dramatically changed the way Westminster did business just by shifting around the parliamentary timetable.

…

The net effect was that the Prime Minister, and MPs needed to spend less time in Parliament.

Gordon Brown is carrying on with these reforms - perhaps surprisingly since he has said that he wants to place parliament at the centre of the national debate. Almost all fixed points in the diary have been moved to the beginning of the week.

…

Far from being held to account more frequently by parliament, the new timetable actually seems to free up the government to behave more like a Presidential administration.

Smooth. An orderly transition of power, I think you could call it. Bloodless, you might say.

So Gordon Brown’s appointed a new adviser to investigate the effects of the internet (specifically violent and sexual imagery) on children. It’s Dr Tanya Byron, erstwhile presenter of the jewels in the BBC’s crown, ‘The House Of Tiny Tearaways‘ and ‘Little Angels‘, where member of dysfunctional families air their problems for the edification of the wider public. You know, the kind of programmes that make you feel like your life’s not so shit after all.

There’s no doubt that Dr Byron has an impressive CV: 17 years as a clinical psychologist and a burgeoning media career that has branched into writing sitcoms. It’s just that, how many people do you think Downing Street looked at before they decided on Dr Byron? Or did they just say, ’sod it, get her off the telly’? Would she have even got the gig without her media profile and is it possible that there are more suitable candidates?

Anyway. I’m probably doing Dr Byron a disservice and she might surprise us all by reaching conclusions and recommendations that don’t mirror Brown’s puritanical instincts or suggest banning anything.

Of course, all of this follows on from Gordon’s love of gritty, gripping television. Or wish-fulfilment, as we in the reality-based community like to call it. We are, after all, talking about a man who once uttered this piece of classic mouth-droppings:

I like TV programmes like X Factor, Dragons’ Den and The Apprentice. They show the value of aspiration, how anyone can achieve things.

It makes you wonder what else might be in the works. I’d give my left plum to be working in the Number 10 policy unit right now. Just think of the possibilities of being able to get the public swallow even more contemptuous and contemptible grift. How about these:

• Noel Edmonds gathers together a bunch of prison officers who have to guess which box contains the best pay rise. All the boxes have next to bugger all in them.
• Gordon Brown sits in a big black chair under a spotlight and is asked questions on his specialist subject by John Humphreys. Brown fails to address a single question properly but is still declared the winner.
• Fifteen suspected terrorists are locked in a house. The ‘housemates’ are then watched all day. That’s it. Not sure, but they might have already thought of this one.
• To stem public outrage over fatcat city bonuses, Bratley K. Twatt and his colleagues will be presented with their cheques by the sebaceous Chris Tarrant, who chuckles ‘I don’t want to give you that’ before handing them even larger cheques.
• Cabinet Ministers appear on a special edition of ‘Just A Minute‘ where they have to speak for a minute on a given subject. Repetition, deviation and hesitation are mandatory. Again, this may have already been thought of.
• Evan Davis takes a group of nurses to a trendy warehouse apartment to watch Duncan Bannatyne counting his money.
• Jeremy Paxman presents a quiz show where two teams of four working class students attempt to make it through higher education.
• Robert Llewellyn asks two teams, red and blue, to build manifestos out of any old shit lying around and then get them to fart around the country without collapsing. The winner gets to bin their manifesto.
• Jim Bowen presents a sporting quiz where he ask members of the public to continue to prop up the British economy. ‘Keep out of the black, and in the red,’ he begs.
• Gordon Brown invites two teams of political journalists to ‘Call My Bluff’. None of them do. Ever.

Gordon, if you’re reading, you can have those for free. Call me, baby.

Why all the fuss about Gordon Brown’s £50 million cut to the Government’s drug rehabilitation scheme? ‘Hypocrite!’ screamed the Tories when the news leaked out straight after Brown declared he wants a review into reclassifying cannabis from Class C to Class B.

But is he a hypocrite? It’s makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? If, say, you’re a Daily Mail-fellating authoritarian, that is. Reclassifying the eeeeevil weed would mean more people being banged up for possession, so what would you need all the drug rehabilitation places for? Hence Gordon’s budget cut.

QED*, innit?

*Quite Evil Demagogue.

It’s 28 days since Gordon Brown became Prime Minister and still no word of when he’s going to spring Aung San Suu Kyi. And her being so helpful to his leadership bid and everything.

Most people will probably think this a minor point, a detail of process and thus not worthy of attention. But it’s worth reading if you are at all under any lingering impression that Gordon Brown is on a mission to fix our broken democracy.

Time to start keeping another list. This is number two. Number one is this:

Gordon Brown yesterday tore up Blairite plans for a supercasino based in Manchester… the prime minister had not discussed it with the cabinet.

I’m no fan of super-casinos nor a constitutional expert, but wasn’t there an act of parliament laying this down in law? (Which Brown voted for.) You know, democratic process ‘n’ shit?

Holy heck:

“Remind me, what is the route to the Commons press gallery?” Thus joked one of my colleagues when they realised - and you may find this shocking - that they would have to go to hear the prime minister speak to the House of Commons to hear what his plans were for the constitution. What, I hear you cry, no briefing, no interviews in advance, no quiet word in the ear. The answer is no, no and no.

Of course, this will all change when something goes tits up, as it inevitably will. When, as Brown is in this instance, selling duvets to Eskimos, who needs an advertising campaign?

[T]he whole thing was a predictable let down, which has left the BBC sexing it up by screaming “biggest cabinet change since second world war!” and “surprise changes!”. Some of the Blairite deadwood might have been removed, but some has inexplicably escaped the chop, probably only not to cause immediate ructions between the warring factions.

read the rest

Indeed.

She’s gone!

Mr Brown is thought likely to carry out the bulk of his Cabinet reshuffle on Thursday, but it has already emerged that one definite change will see Patricia Hewitt stepping down as health secretary.

Update: Beckett goes as well.

Er, not exactly.

Even his opening line: “It is with humility and pride… ” was straight out of an old Blair speech, one of those fake oxymorons, like: “it is with modesty and vanity”, the besetting sins of most politicians. The weird pledges: “democracy strengthened by citizens’ juries”. What are they when they’re at home?

Well, what were we expecting? People seem to have this mental blindspot that allows them to ignore the fact that Brown has been the big, fat spider at the centre of the New Labour web all these long years. No wonder he and his supporters moved heaven and earth to avoid a leadership contest. It wouldn’t have done to remind people that your man’s been complicit in all manner of horror, incompetence and mendacity.

Speaking of which, watching the newly elected Harriet Harman reversing away from her campaign pitches like a getaway driver in a dead end would be comedy gold if only it didn’t make the gorge rise.

Harman on Newsnight, May 29, on Iraq:

Clearly it was a mistake, it was made in good faith, but with a new leadership I think we have to acknowledge the bitterness and anger that there has been over Iraq and that we were wrong.

“I am not trying to wriggle out of my responsibility. I just think if you are looking forward and you want to rebuild public trust and confidence, you have got to admit when you got it wrong.

This morning on Radio 4 (RealPlayer required, forward about ten minutes in):

Edward Stourton: You said the war was clearly a mistake and you said the Government should apologise and admit quote we were wrong unquote.

Harriet Harman: Well, I didn’t actually say those two things you said.

She didn’t say those two thing, all right? Here’s video (forward to 13 minutes) of her not saying them, capisce?

Still, it’s all been such a thrilling, engaging spectacle that only half the Labour Party membership could be bothered to vote in the Deputy Leadership election.

Now to invigorate the country.

Well now, this is interesting.

Gordon Brown has promised to reverse the Commons decision to exempt MPs from the Freedom of Information Act. “It will be corrected,” he said of the legislation, passed by MPs 10 days ago. is interesting.

Put the Prime Minister elect in front of an audience of book-loving luvvies and happy camping Hampstead liberals, have Mariella Frostrup purr in his ear, and he folds faster than Tony Blair being told to grab his ankles by Rupert Murdoch.

Not that we should expect that this reversal sets any kind of encouraging precedent, but we can only hope that John Reid’s last gasp grab for Mosleyite posterity is similarly screwed.

So if you are a member of the Labour Party, and were considering using your vote ‘inappropriately’, you should thank the Parliamentary Party, for telling you that you can’t have one. Accept your the leader that has been chosen for you, and know your place. There will be no contest, your views are not required. Those of you that are left knuckle down, keep stuffing the envelopes, knocking the doors, attending the meetings and kidding yourselves that the people running the show are in some way interested in your input.

read the rest

Is Gordon a spammer?

…another one closes.

Guardian - Brown: ‘Britain has fallen out of love with celebrity‘

Gordon Brown claims today that the country is turning away from a celebrity culture and insists his seriousness is in tune with a new spirit of the times. In an interview with the Guardian, ahead of the publication of his book on courage, the chancellor says he does not believe the public are in love with trivia, and would prefer proper debate on important issues.

Asked about the contrast between his writing and the prime minister doing Catherine Tate impersonations on Red Nose day, he replies: “I think we’re moving from this period when, if you like, celebrity matters, when people have become famous for being famous. I think you can see that in other countries too - people are moving away from that to what lies behind the character and the personality.”

Daily Record: Kylie’s secret dinner with Gordon Brown

GORDON BROWN has befriended Kylie Minogue after the pair met at a private dinner.

The PM-in-waiting and the Australian pop pixie enjoyed a long chat over drinks at the secret celebrity supper.

Hollywood actor Alan Rickman and comedian Stephen Fry were also at the meal, which lasted into the early hours at a top London restaurant.

Another guest revealed Kylie, who has beaten breast cancer, was “knocked out” by the Chancellor’s charm.

The evening was part of efforts to introduce Brown, 56, to a wider circle of friends before he becomes PM.

Is it me or is this ‘tax cut’ announced today, that the media are clapping like seals over, nothing more than a tawdry con that would have disgraced an amateur magician on ‘When Will I Be Famous?‘

Big heart, big teeth.

(By Matt Buck who did the cartoons for The Blog Digest.)

So why all the fuss about what former Cabinet Secretary Lord Turnbull has had to say about Gordon Brown? Brown, according to the man who worked closely with him for four years, has a ‘very cynical view of mankind and his colleagues’ and regards other cabinet members with ‘more or less complete contempt’.

I say that comes as a huge relief. Hell, I could name two or three dozen bloggers, off the top of my head, who have built their reputations on exactly that interpretation of the New Labour cabinet over the last few years. It’s just nice to see that Gordon’s been part of the real world all this time.

The make-up of the Cabinet over the last ten years merely reflects the dearth of talent, first class minds and imagination in British politics. In turn, Brown’s attitude toward his colleagues is merely the reflection - the admission - of that. Not that he’s the intellectual titan of popular myth. Where’s the evidence, you have to ask? He’s like the moody kid at school whose brooding silence at the back of the class is mistaken for depth. He’s Judd Nelson in ‘The Breakfast Club’.

Brown’s attitude to government is a collision of two well known aphorisms, idioms or, if you prefer, clichés. Namely, ‘if you want a job doing well, do it yourself’ (aka the ‘Stalinist ruthlessness’ label Turnbull gives to Brown) and ‘you can’t polish a turd’.

I ask you, how much Brasso would it take to make a Jowell, a Hoon, a Falconer, a Prescott, a Hewitt, a Beckett or any of the rest, shine as ministers?

Boy, am I looking forward to the next general election. Imagine it, the Clash of the Titans, Brown vs. Cameron!

It’s the political punch-up to end all punch-ups, the prize-fight for the championship, as these two heavyweights trade body-blows over the critical issues that will decide the destiny of the United Kingdom.

read the rest

It was reported on Wednesday that Gordon Brown had root canal work done without anaesthetic last week so he could give a speech afterwards - about citizenship training for immigrants - without a frozen mouth.

Keen a few months ago to parade his emotional pain over his baby daughter’s death in his bid for popularity, Gordon’s now keen to show us how much physical pain he’s willing to endure in order to make us like him.

‘Mr Brown did not flinch or grimace at any stage,’ said Mervyn Druian, the cosmetic dentist who did the drilling and who, according to his website, can help you create ‘your perfect smile’. No mention if he takes NHS patients though. Doubtless the famously financially prudent Chancellor of the Exchequer got a good deal.

(more…)

How does Gordon Brown plan to celebrate the 200th anniversary of the abolition of slavery in Britain? By reintroducing it.

Mr Brown said: “Being a British citizen is about more than a test, more than a ceremony. It’s a kind of contract between the citizen and the country involving rights but also involving responsibilities that will protect and enhance the British way of life.

“It’s also right to consider asking men and women seeking citizenship to undertake community work in our country, or something akin to that, that introduces them to a wider range of institutions and people.”

If this comes to pass I will eat an item of clothing nominated by a commenter. It’s crypto-racist, dog-whistle excrement. BNP-appeasing excrement at that. Yes, let’s get those shiftless freeloading foreigners to sing for their suppers. Never mind the contribution they could be making to the economy by doing paid work instead of indenturing them.

I can think of probably thousands of British people who could do with some community service in order to foster their integration into society - why isn’t he suggesting they get off their arses? Oh, because they’re voters.

I bet there are no plans to ask millionaire businessmen coming here to wipe arses in care homes for nothing either.

And you thought Blair was the master of here-today gone-tomorrow back of a fag packet cobblers. Brown’s supposed to be the brains of the duo, God help us.

Would Gordon Brown pass the ‘barbecue test’? Would we, ordinary British voters, invite him round for a burger and a beer?

(more…)

‘I could never compare myself to Gandhi or those other heroes of mine,’ the Prime-Minister-in-waiting said to his Indian audience and the British press pack, ‘but I do take inspiration from the way that they dealt with the challenges they faced when I think about how I will deal with the challenges the country and the world faces, including the security challenge.’

Gordon hitched up his white loincloth. Day three of his visit to India and he was starving. He’d been taking his inspiration from Gandhi for about 45 minutes now and the fasting part was getting a bit much. He’d forgotten his sunblock as well. His shoulders and belly had rapidly gone from pink to lobster red to Alex Ferguson in the relentless Delhi sun.

He was sweating, and not just with the heat. His audience shifted restlessly in their seats. Frantically, Gordon tried to dredge up an apposite quote of the Mahatma’s with which to impress them. How about, ‘non-violence is not a garment to be put on and off at will’? A bit like this bloody loincloth, he thought. He’d pulled it up too far and now his bottom was itchy. He’d forgotten to put his underpants on underneath.

How about, ‘Non-violence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man’? No, not a great one in the face of the current ’security challenge’, that one, he thought. Won’t sell many fighter jets to India with that attitude.

Instead, he changed tack. ‘I think it was Churchill who said that you cannot meet the challenges of the future by simply building the present in the image of the past,’ he said. Brilliant. Gandhi and Churchill. What was it Churchill had called Gandhi? ‘A half naked fakir.’ Oh, dear. Er…

A reporter stood up. ‘The Times of India,’ he said. ‘Chancellor, how do you reconcile your taking inspiration from both the Mahatma and Sir Winston?’ Gordon’s mouth flapped. He suddenly couldn’t shake the mental image of Churchill in a loincloth, cigar in one hand and pint of brandy in the other. The Chancellor’s stomach growled. He could murder an Indian.

(First published in this week’s edition of The Friday Thing.)

Looking increasingly vacant in that ravaged, glassy-eyed way, the widow’s peak stretching the hair-thickening sprays more by the day, his recent statements of intent - sorting out the Middle East, revolutionising university funding, saving the planet from climate change while continuing to star in Carry On Turning Left At The Stewardess - have been so barmily self-contradictory or plain delusional as to suggest the sort of character for whom the first question, on being hurriedly admitted to a clinic, is “Now then, dear, do you know who the Prime Minister is?”

In a vaguely sane political system, with a vaguely coherent written constitution and a vaguely effective legislature, the answer “Tony Blair” would trigger the appearance of a syringe and the whispered request “Straitjacket, sister, quick as you can”. But thanks to this weird, unsettling stasis gripping Westminster, it still qualifies as that rarest of commodities to emit from Mr Blair’s mouth, the literal truth.

read the rest